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By request: My Recap of the Leaked Tell-All video.

A slow descent into madness: an exhaustive recap of the tell all leak
Supposedly the leaked video (clocking in at 10+ hours) was the second day filming.
I watched the entire thing. This is a rambling list of the thoughts going through my mind while watching, and a fairly comprehensive timeline / summary of events, or at least the juiciest parts. I believe it becomes fairly obvious when my mental state started to decline - I was well into the 5th hour by then.
Part 1: David
The show begins an hour into the video.
A lot of time was spent on David. Asking David the same questions, hoping he’d get a clue. Instead he doubled down on his delusion.
David started in this endeavor by going on two trips with a friend over 20 years ago. He states he did not like it - 25 guys meeting 400 women in a big bar. He said it was horrible - he called the women aggressive and professional daters. He went on another trip with 10 guys meeting maybe 40 women in different cities. He describes receiving catalogs of women and selecting specific ones to meet on the trip. A friend he met on one of these trips introduced him to a web site in 2007.
Lana does not work for the web site or get paid. According to David, the web sites are US sites, they contract through the agency that vets the “girls”. He insists Lana derives no income from the web site or agency. It’s illegal for him to contact her directly? He pays in order to not be scammed.
He has known Lana for 7 years. She was too young at the start - he won’t “date” anyone under 25. He wasn’t talking to Lana for 2.5 years. He’s “dated” 30 girls in Ukraine when he wasn’t talking to Lana. He’s been to Ukraine 20 times. He’s been engaged twice to women over there (and twice in America.)
David says Lana is very poor. Has very few clothes and possessions. She only has five pairs of shoes and gets a new pair of sneakers every 3 years or so. She doesn’t speak English. He bought her an iPhone to talk directly but she doesn’t like the keyboard because of her long fingernails. She can’t talk directly to him on the computer because the agency owns the laptop and monitors activity.
He’s spent $250,000 to $300,000 on “dating” on these sites. He claims he’s a millionaire so the money is no object.
Friends of David appear, say their piece, then disappear.
Cesar appears. David had talked to Maria years ago. Said she was high maintenance.
Yolanda and Usman join in. Usman has poor connection. Usman leaves.
A wild Tom appears. Tom compliments Yolanda’s weight loss. Says he’s not hitting on her, just complimenting her.
Tom doesn’t watch much of the show. Says David is his “fast forward couple”.
Cesar says he visited Maria. Maria wasn’t happy he showed up. But she met him, they took photos, she asked to see his phone and he realized later she deleted the photos. They spent 10 days together, he got a couple of pecks on the cheek and lips? But no intimacy. Specified no tongue. Maria was “pissed off” that he showed up, refused to meet Cesar if the cameras were there. Wanted him to buy her a $500 pair of shoes and $300 dinner.
Tom asks if he packed the chocolate panties. Cesar said he took the beaded candy ones.
Yolanda said Cesar DMd her and left his phone number. Cesar says Yolanda is beautiful and that he “loves chocolate” with a Pervy laugh. But he says he was just reaching out as friends. Shaun asks Cesar if he DMs Tom. Tom confirms that he did, and that the alumni reach out to each other.
Shaun asks Yolanda if she would date Cesar, she replies with an emphatic no.
David went back to Ukraine and met Lana. They kissed, no other intimacy. He proposed, she accepted (they show clips.) Lana is still on the dating sites. David is still on the dating sites because Lana is. Lana is still on the site because that’s where her only friends are, David basically describes her as a shut in with no friends.
At one point later in the show he drops the bombshell “love has nothing to do with it.”
Ed appears. He’s holding Teddy (against the dog’s will) on his lap. Ed shouts into his mic. He yells repeatedly about David being scammed for the better part of 18 minutes.
David gets excitable. Yells about this being bullshit. Yells at Tom that Darcey was still talking to other guys.
The current status of the relationship? David thinks they’re not together. He hasn’t communicated with Lana in 6 days. But their engagement hasn’t been broken. So they’re engaged but no longer together?
Lana refuses to participate because she’s getting hate mail from guys who have seen the show accusing her of being a scammer.
Stephanie appears.
Stephanie says she thinks it’s disgusting that Lana is being discussed like she’s a commodity. Points out that their relationship is transactional. David and Ed are screaming at each other over her. Stephanie Commends David for not worrying about spending $100,000 while Ed freaked out about spending $2.
A clip of David proposing to Lana with a prop fake ring shows. David says the jeweler advises not buying a real diamond because he didn’t know her ring size. Says she wants to choose her own ring.
Return to Ed and David arguing.
Usman appears.
David is getting heated.
Bottom Line: David’s retiring to move to Ukraine, but started the K1 process.
Shaun wraps the segment with David still arguing at the 3-hour mark. Shaun leaves (possibly to drink heavily - I would be if I was her.) I forgot to note that at some point Tom made a remark to Ed about him not being able to see his toes. It was a joke, but went completely missed by everyone else.
David, Ed, Stephanie and Usman chit chat. Usman sings a bit.
Part 2: Yolanda
We resume at 3:30 with Yolanda.
Yolanda had the flu at the beginning of December. She was in a coma for a month and was on a ventilator for 3 weeks. Her kidneys and liver were failing. Her doctor now believes she had Covid-19.
She did not hear from Williams during that time. She heard from him just a couple of months ago. She didn’t tell him about her coma, he was talking about his aunt dying so it “didn’t come up.”
He didn’t reach out directly, he went through “sweetberry” (?) on Instagram to ask if he could contact her again.
Yolanda’s daughter and a PI the daughter hired join in. PI says the accounts have ties to Nigerian scammers.
Usman joins. He knows nothing about Nigerian scammers, doubts they’re Nigerian.
Usman leaves. Darcey joins. She’s wearing a platinum blonde wig, primping a bit, trying to center herself on the bed she’s sitting on. She’s nodding along to absolutely nothing, shaking her head and smiling periodically like she’s involved in a totally different conversation than we are seeing.
Daughter and PI leave. Shaun asks Darcey what she thinks about Yolanda and Williams. Darcey goes into a spiel about being a target and people on IG preying on her. Starts talking about Jesse and Tom. Says she spent a lot of money on Jesse, says she helped Tom financially and bought him clothes and gifts. Goes into a tangent of non-specific items, won’t provide a direct answer on how much she spent but finally claims she spent $2000 on Tom.
Erika appears.
Shaun tries to get back on the topic of Yolanda and Willams. Shaun asks Erika about her opinion on The Williams mystery IG account and the blackmail.
Darcey uses that opportunity to talk about being targeted by a “network of people” that was calculated by “people in different countries to target certain people around the world.”
“Maybe Nigeria was a part of it, Maybe England was a part of it”. After Tom, Darcey says she met someone who targeted her, says it was a couple she knew and Tom was a part of it, says IP addresses traced to Nottingham and there’s a network of people targeting women around the world.
Darcey claims her second time in Amsterdam she was robbed while shopping after Jesse told her to leave her passport if she was going out shopping. Later says pickpocketed. Implies that the robbery was a setup by Jesse.
Shaun tries to redirect the subject back to Yolanda and Williams.
Lisa appears.
Lisa jumps right in with her expertise about Yahoo Boys, G-Men and grooming people. Darcey drops off and Usman reappears.
Lisa’s gravelly voice takes on a fake Nigerian accent as they yell “baby love” at each other.
Lisa goes on about her social media expertise. Explains the three different cultures of Nigeria. She tells Yolanda to join the Facebook Group SSA: Scamming Scammers Action that Lisa is a big part of.
They convince Yolanda to try to call Williams on speakerphone. No answer.
Lisa is also an expert in African and Nigerian accents FYI.
Erika leaves. David reappears.
Lisa dominates the conversation. Keeps recounting conversations and events of hackings and stuff.
Lisa starts talking about Blood Rituals. Sacrifices. Money rituals. Voodoo dolls. Kidnappings. Killing people to bring luck in scamming people. They believe in black magic and juju. Lisa and Usman keep interrupting each other. Usman has never heard of this. Lisa insists this is real. Go to SSA on Facebook, all the proof is there.
Yolanda, David and Shaun are stunned silent.
Usman is trying to fact check Lisa’s completely far-fetched theories. Lisa purses her beak.
Finally, Shaun redirects.
Yolanda says she’s done. If she hears from Williams again she’s done.
Yolanda is getting DMs all the time offering to FaceTime her. David tells her to go get her Groove back in Jamaica. Yolanda and David both get DMs encouraging them to hook up since they’re both in Vegas.
We are 5 hours 10 minutes in. Let’s see a clip! We see Lana before she met David. She’s at the gym. She’s walking around Kiev in a silver puffer jacket and Nikes. She using her iPhone (with her short nails) to take pictures. She’s shopping for makeup. She’s sipping a latte in a cafe while typing on her laptop. She’s talking to a friend on her iPhone. She talks about America. She knows that you can get married quickly in Las Vegas. She tells her friend she has an exciting day tomorrow “I’m meeting an American.” Her friend asks if he’s wealthy.
Shaun points out the inconsistencies in Lana’s apparent poverty and David’s understanding of her circumstances. David says “that’s not real”.
We spent the next 10 minutes or so with Yolanda, Usman, Lisa and Shaun trying to talk some sense into David. It doesn’t work.
Shaun leaves for a break.
Ash appears. We spend the next while discussing quarantine. Ash hadn’t heard about Yolanda being sick, his eyes get wide when he hears her coma tale.
They’re talking about lockdowns and restrictions and being able to go where you want. David thinks they’re talking about Ash being able to visit the US on his Australian passport.
Lisa’s ex-husband just got out of prison.
David lives in a rental house that’s being sold in a month.
Yolanda asks if people read their tweets.
Lisa has a stalker with 25 accounts. Lisa now has her phone number and address. She’s going to have her arrested and “put charges against her”.
David gets death threats.
Back to Yolanda and the Covid.
David leaves.
Tom returns. He asks how many bottles of lube Lisa and Usman used raw dogging it. She said none - I’m guessing she just peed on him a la Dinyell.
More R-rated banter. Lisa tells Tom to ask about Usman refusing to join the mile high club.
Ash looks stunned into silence. Maybe a bit frightened. He’s retreated to his nothing box.
Usman tries to explain about the 70%, that it’s a B and a compliment. Tom asks why she paid twice the going rate for a goat.
Lots of goat talk. Peeing goat talk. Showering the goat. Walking in sandals through mud and goat shit.
Tom makes a crack about not being the only cast members showering with animals. Ash asks about Ed showering with Rosemarie’s father? Then his feed goes out.
Lisa starts talking about gross food. Tom are goat brain in Albania. Lisa starts everything with “Usman, tell them about the time...” then just talks over him to tell the story herself.
Stephanie appears.
Ed appears.
Usman leaves. Lisa tells them about the armed convoy everywhere they went. Ed wants to know about the goat. More goat tales.
7 hour 10 minute mark.
Part 3: Lisa and Usman
Shaun is back with Lisa and Usman. We lose Usman.
Lisa had surgery.
She hurt her baby toe before going to Nigeria. Ruptured a blood vessel. It swelled up in Africa. Returned to the US with a dead/dying toe. Got infected, went gangrenous, was amputated.
Usman returns.
The next segment is insufferable.
Usman says Lisa calls him a N***** frequently. Lisa screams about opening a can of worms.
Usman asks if American women are all like this.
Lisa and Usman are married but keep blocking each other.
Lisa is Usman’s first serious relationship.
Lisa freaks out about women on Usman’s comments and in his DMs.
Says she’s seen the other girls Usman dated, they’re “3 times my size”.
They fight about Trish Playtas.
Lisa talks over Usman. Yells, curses, threatens.
Enter Giant and Aba (?) after 25 minutes of toxic bullshit.
Lisa talks about getting “gangbanged”. (I think she means ganged up on, but she’s so cringe who can tell.)
Lisa has a screaming match. Hangs up because she was “mistreated and disrespected”.
Enter Lisa’s friend Nikki.
Nikki screams about disrespect for the next forever. Lisa returns.
There’s endless raspy screeching about bitches, clowns, motherfuckers and more disrespect. Fuck you. Fuck outta here.
Shaun loses all control.
Aba and Nikki scream at each other some more.
Shaun gives up. She is writing something just below the screen. I suspect it’s her resignation letter.
Finally Shaun redirects the conversation. She brings up the polygamy.
If Lisa has an egg and can tote it, Usman doesn’t want another wife. If Lisa can’t squat and hatch Usman’s offspring, he will take another wife.
Cue Lisa’s expertise on polygamy.
Clip Roll: the night before the wedding, Lisa storms off and disrespects Usman’s brothers the night before the wedding.
Lisa cackles.
Avery and Ed appear.
Usman and Lisa keep arguing.
Shaun asks Avery’s perception. Avery asks “where is the love?” All she sees is them screaming over each other and assert themselves.
Before Lisa can respond Ed jumps in.
Lisa calls the kettle black and says Avery and Ed aren’t portrayed well.
Ed started to watch the show after he decided to be on it.
Ed compliments Usman for being calm and respectful and not using any foul words.
Lisa Cackles. Ed calls her a bull in a china shop “no disrespect”. Says he thought she was the definition of a narcissist, but says she’s actually the definition of delusional.
Lisa interrupts. Usman starts singing. Lisa and Ed scream over each other. Lisa tells Avery to shut up, says she went on Ed’s live drunk and making an ass of herself. Ed keeps screaming “delusional”. Lisa calls Avery a drunk. Avery tells Usman “not all American women are like that”, Lisa rebounds with “that’s why Ash dumped your ass.” Ed tells Usman there are many more nicer women.
Ed: she treated you like a piece of shit. She treated you like a slave.
Lisa: you are a piece of shit!
Ed: you made America Sick!
Lisa: Ed Fuck You! Fuck You!
Lisa: you abused Rose to go on this show because no fucking other woman would! You fucking used her (x 5). Shut the fuck up.
More screaming over each other.
Usman begs Ed to calm down.
Lisa: you’re going to let this fucking pervert who’s got charges for sexual harassment... you’re going to let this idiot come at me with the fucking charges he’s got? This fucking pervert has been grooming women. The women are coming out of the woodwork saying Ed has molested them, he’s groomed them, and god only knows what the fuck else he did to them.
More screaming.
Ed: the internet is fake!
Lisa: Harry (producer) remove these two right now!
Lisa calls them Thing 1 and Thing 2 and demands Harry remove them.
Ed gets cut.
Lisa continues to scream at Avery about glass houses.
Tom appears.
Usman is yelling now.
Shaun tries to gain control.
Tom: I was nervous delivering that letter to Darcey but coming in to this conversation is wild!
Shaun brings up the polygamy subject again.
Lisa might move to Nigeria for The Other Way.
Shaun disappears.
Avery drops.
Lisa says “Tom, this is all for show. It’s a dog and horse, pony show I call it.”
Tom blows smoke up her ass. His idea of love is apparently jealousy, anger and disrespect. He says it’s obvious they love each other because apparently only people truly in love can be that hateful and vicious and angry to each other.
Shaun is back. Darcey appears. Usman is singing. Darcey is swaying to Soja Boy, slurring, “do it big! Lisa, Be the queen!”
Darcey’s been in the sauce.
Usman tells Lisa to cover her bra.
More second wife talk.
Tom asks a question about what kind of second wife Usman would have. Darcey says something. Shaun asks Lisa a question. Usman freaks out and screams “Tom asked me a question, let me answer the question”. This leads to Lisa screaming at Shaun about disrespecting Usman, screams at the producer “you better tell this hostess to shut her mouth” shut up! Shut up!”
Usman keeps yelling. Shaun trying to calm everyone.
Lisa: Barb! Barb! Barb! Do you hear me? It’s time to cut her now! Barb! Cut her now! Barb! Cut the fucking thing, cut it now! She’s disrespecting Usman! Fucking stop it! Stop it barb! Fuck off!
Darcey looks like a confused bobble head.
Lisa hangs up.
Usman and Darcey talk about Trish Playtas.
Darcey: things are don’t differently in America, I’ve been in the entertainment industry way before Tom, way before Jesse.
Usman starts to explain going live with Trish.
Lisa returns.
Part 4: Wrap Ups and “where does your relationship stand?”
Shaun turns to Darcey and Tom, asks where the future of their relationship is. Lisa and Usman respond loudly, not letting them talk.
Finally, Lisa and Usman are gone.
Tom: friends maybe blah blah blah great mom, good person, wish you the best.
Darcey: my journey, my daughters, my brother who passed blah blah blah don’t want toxic negativity
Ash and Avery return: same question
Ash is worried about his hair being cut off on the screen.
Ash started the journey with the intent to propose. Says he loves her. Breaking up was the hardest thing. Future is going to be looking after his family.
Ash answers the question in a concise, straight forward manner.
Just kidding. He uses a lot of words to absolutely avoid answering anything.
Avery says this is a hard question to ask someone who just separated. She trails off. I think... I don’t... I wanted... honestly...
Erika and Stephanie return: where do you stand?
Not even friends. Can they ever be friends?
Stephanie says best case is friends from afar.
Erika says they’ve been friends and fought many many times. She came in today wanting to speak and wasn’t able to do that, but doesn’t hold any hate. It’s going to be hard to see any of this in a positive light.
Erika didn’t get a change to express that she took a big step coming out to her parents then Stephanie dumped her the next morning.
Stephanie came out to her mom too apparently, but it wasn’t like Erika’s coming out (receptive and kind).
Pick up lines:
Asking what they’ve been doing during the quarantine, will air at the beginning of the show.
(Erika makes earrings!)
Shaun has to rephrase the question to Stephanie to ask specifically about... HER ILLNESS!
Bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Yolanda wrap up: no more online dating. She’s going to meet men at the market or the casino. Old school.
Ed wrap up: who cares.
Ok. I guess we do.
Shaun asks about the shower. I just can’t listen to him anymore. Then she asks about the first night they were intimate. I’m going to barf.
Ed takes full responsibility for “not the things I did, but the way I did them”. Rose is mad at him right now. She wanted to reconcile February 9.
Ed is taking a break from dating (sorry ladies!) but Rose taught him to love again and “she didn’t destroy me like my first marriage did.”
His mom is moving in with him. But she’s a nurse so hasn’t moved in yet. Ed’s mom is a nurse caring for a young child with a tracheostomy.
Ed sucks, but a round of applause for Mother Ed is deserved.
David wrap up:
David is going to retire earlier than planned because of the recession resulting from the quarantine.
Shaun asks about the first kiss.
David says something about bowling. He bowls 4 strikes with Lana.
The girls in Ukraine love bowling but don’t get to do that. So he takes them. He bets kisses for every strike he bowls.
Lana is upset over the publicity from the show. Gets physically ill in front of the camera.
If she won’t come to the US or dumps him, he will live part time in the Ukraine - 3 months at a time - to continue dating women there.
It’s over. Thank God.
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Let’s Not Be a Drama Queen About This: Recap of Before the 90 Days S04E07

Welcome to another recap of Before the 90 Days: The Season Where No One is Dating. First off, if you’re watching Geoffrey’s segment, your safe word is “orange”. If that doesn’t work, please lock yourself in a panic room and wait there until the Avengers arrive. If you hear one voice say, “No really, this is totally the Avengers” do not open the door. Or maybe just social-distance yourself from this whole fucking storyline, because we should not be observing this human stain.
Let’s turn our attention to prisoner of war Usman, busy filming a real life version of Get Out. You know it’s bad when the con artist seeking green card access to bolster a floundering hip hop career is the protagonist. I haven’t felt this awkward since last season of Vanderpump Rules when I was forced to defend James Kennedy. Anyway, Baby-Girl Lisa still hasn’t successfully harvested his essence to maintain control over the Dark Crystal, and Usman threatens to throw a wrench into her plans with a daring escape in the trunk of his friend’s car. Then he realizes he left his phone in the hotel room, and it’s got the lyrics to “Dabbing” on it, so he’s forced to return, to face Lisa losing the mind she never had.
She declares that he’s been absent for 30 minutes and she’s upset …which would have also been the case if he were gone for five minutes, or not at all, or if he went to the bathroom unsupervised, or put on his right shoe before his left one, or stood up too quickly or not fast enough. This time, Lisa’s argument is that she was “scared’ to be left alone (with producers in a hotel room). Annoyed with this never-ending wheel of complaint, Usman declares that he can’t win with her. Then BGL cuts him down with “Let’s not be a drama queen about this.” That’s right kids, all aboard the Gaslight Express, where the person reacting to the drama is the drama queen — not the person perpetually creating it. Would someone please take this man’s photo so he can restore his spirit to his body with the flash? GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!
She continues to stitch a verbal quilt of grievances, while noting how irrelevant Usman’s points are, and looking like she’s ready to start filming her episode of Intervention. Usman slowly realizes that Lisa is unlikely to have an adult conversation with his mother, let alone a respectful one, and he may not be able to salvage his Nigerian hip hop career, let alone forge one in the US of A. He goes outside and admits to the producers that he may have reached his breaking point, and would like to know if they have some kind of relocation program. This is not what Lisa expects from a prisoner, and she informs the producers that “the man who left here is not the man I abducted.”
Usman returns at 2AM to sit in an adjacent room and not talk to Lisa, making half of his wildest dreams come true. He lights up a hookah and considers how he has this “wonderful opportunity” to go to the states, and it might be too much to pretend to like Lisa long enough to get a green card. The producers ask him how he’s doing, and he says that anything he does is not enough, and before he can answer further BGL groans her way into the room.
“Nobody’s perfect. You need to make up your mind and make it up quick,” She declares, because that makes sense. He attempts to confront her, and states that he’s always respected her, and she insults him. And if it’s this bad in Nigeria, what’s it going to be like when she submerges him in preservative gel in the United States? “You’re very insecure about this relationship,” Lisa mumbles.
Usman says that yes, he is, that’s the truth. Then Lisa unfurls her scroll of half-assed excuses, including that the whole trip has been stressful, that there’s a five hour time difference, that she’s in this hotel room that bests the average Idaho haunt but is beneath her, and it’s a day of the week that ends in y, and he should know how she feels about that. Then she says she wants to “close it up” which is the closest Usman is going to get to an apology. For whatever reason, Usman decides that this will do, and later Lisa expresses concerns about returning to the US alone, and declares “ it will destroy both of us.” By this she means she’ll be forced to rework the plot into something that ends with her saucy finger, and will leak the unedited version of Usman’s “I Love You” video, because that’ll teach him.
Speaking of horror movies, let’s stop by Silence of the Lambs to visit Creepy Ed, who puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again. Rose has made the unfortunate mistake of returning to their shared hotel room, where he hands her a robe and tells her to take a bath, then forces champagne on her, and says he’s going to rub her feet. Note that he didn’t ask her if she was interested in any of these things. Ed considers this “showing how romantic he can be” while the rest of us call this “reasons to run out of the room with your shoes in your hand the minute he goes to the bathroom.” As she gets comfortable because he told her to, Big Nightmare declares he’s “staring at her feet and not her pajamas,” and I’m staring into the deep black abyss, hunting for a portal to escape this. Friends, this is it: the Most Cringe Scene in 90DF History. There’s not even any competition. This is the Citizen Kane of cringe.
“It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever its told,” Ed declares, with “Goodbye Horses” softly playing in the background.
“Please let me out,” Rose cries.
Since Rose is recoiling in a manner obvious to anyone who isn’t an incel, Ed seizes the opportunity to ask her for a kiss. She says on her cheek or the end of her fist after a wind up, whatever he prefers. He asks for “the middle” which she assumes means the forehead. He kisses her on the cheek, and then brow beats her into kissing him on the mouth. She gets it over with as quickly as possible, and Ed declares that it was “nice” and Jesus Christ, someone put a collar on this beast.
“Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me,” Ed explains (“Goodbye horses, I’m flying over you…”.)
“Is this called coercion in United States?” Rose asks.
“It puts the lotion in the fucking basket!”
The next morning it appears Rose has finally succumbed to his ridiculous advances, and seems cool with it. She declares a hatred for his under-the-bridge beard, and Ed notes that she has hairy legs, which he finds “gross,”and asks her to shave them to best match his blow-up doll ideal. This is rich coming from someone with a greasy mop of Clairol for Mayo dangling in his face. Soon I’ll kick off a GoFundMe to buy Rose a full-body merkin to insulate her lady flesh from Ed’s Rumpelstiltskin mitts. For now, she goes in for the shave and Ed ditches the beard, and I long for the Wookie days of yore.
Later he heads to Rose’s house to act like a goon around a larger audience. He takes a three hour cab ride to her village, where he is shocked to discover that the Philippines is like the Philippines. First he meets Rose’s son Prince, who initially seems confused, and then declares “daddy!” And embraces him. Big Ed isn’t sure how he feels about being a father again at 54, but he’s totally okay with dating a child. Ed is also uneasy about meeting Rose’s sister Maria, because she hit up Ed for cash. Once Maria meets Ed, she realizes she should have asked for more.
The family is waiting with a little surprise party, and Ed meets Rose’s other two sisters and a brother-in-law. When they ask what he thinks, he wants to know where the windows are, and if he should worry about getting rabies from wayward bats or cockroaches, because he’s heard both things are attracted to the scent of canola oil. Seriously: why can’t anyone on this show make a polite comment to the family except Angela? How hard is it to say, “Well I bet you have a great view of the stars!”
Rose’s family has a nice set of dishes arranged for dinner, including fish, chicken, rice, and the silky gravy of Ed’s back sweat. He asks for something to drink, while they marvel at the river running down his face, and we learn her father is running late because he’s busy at the pig farm, which also sounds suspiciously poor to Ed. When Father arrives he’s quiet, contemplating that his daughter is hoping to marry someone older than himself, who is pushing his food around his plate, and calling a chicken like a dog to feed it from the table. Rose’s father wants to know if Ed knows the difference between dinner and a dog, and then asks what Ed’s intentions are, other than getting on his damn nerves. Ed declares, “I want to get to know your daughter, no games.” Sure, Prince is already calling him “daddy,” but wouldn’t want to create strange expectations by suggesting marriage post-coitus, amirite?
Ed declares that now that he’s seen the depth of their poverty, he worries that he’s just a meal ticket to Rose, and not the man of her dreams, even though he’s after Rose for specific things himself. I mean, a lot of 19 year old women are just jonesing for a controlling, anxiety-riddled man who hasn’t had sex in 28 years to fulfill their hobbit kink, so he has a right to be choosey. It’s important for her to love him like Rose loved Jack in the Titanic, even if Ed can’t draw anything and would demand to be the only body on that floating door, and she’s the only person to consider him king of any world.
Meanwhile, Tom continues his crusade to come off as a sympathetic character by making sad eyes from his good angle for the camera. As he pieces together one of his predictably boring outfits, he says he hopes they can have a conversation and attack the problem and not the person, but admits that he doesn’t care about attacking the person if the person is Darcey and not himself.
He situates himself to await her arrival, while Darcey enters the joint with a Beyoncé track in her head, and dumps her 16 changes of clothing on an unsuspecting hostess who has questions. Then she struts. Her. Shit. This is officially the first time Darcey has donned an outfit that isn’t from her signature Midlife Crisis line, and that jumpsuit is the fuck-you jam, and I want it for my next dramatic public fight with a future ex. She greets him as “Thomas” and passes on the affectionate greeting in favor of a handshake, before settling in for some gold medal passive aggression.
Tom: I’m nervous. Because I’m full of shit.
Darcey: No need. It’s just me. That’s called constipation, Tom.
Tom: How was Malta? If I had talked to you sometime in the last six weeks, I might know the answer to this question.
Darcey: It was nice to spend it with Stace. Thank you for the birthday…text. You said you were going to call or video call, I waited that whole day…but it’s okay. I know you’re a dick.
Tom: What actually happened to us? I’m going to act like what happened isn’t me going balls deep in another chick and bragging about it on instagram.
Darcey: I don’t know, but you must not know about me, you must not know about me. Should I say it twice? That’s kinda weird. It sounded better in my head.
Hannibal Lector: Cut him on the bias, Clarice. Serve him with a nice Chianti.
Tom goes on to say that she “was” this lovely woman, but has very specific things she wants, and she’s really not there for him, because she’s preoccupied with selecting the right filters for her twirling face-angle shots on instagram. He insists that Darcey never lets him talk during the conversations they don’t have, while a waiter with bad timing regrets his water glass decisions, and knows his tip is going to be bullshit. Darcey’s not having it, and knows he’s rerouting the events of the last six months to be about her doing something wrong, so she wants to know what his secret is, and talks to him in a soothing voice that is WAY more terrifying than mad Darcey.
“What do you want to hear?” Tom asks, because he’s still determined to make this about how out of control and unreasonable Darcey is, what with her fancy wanting interaction and silly expectations that he wouldn’t start another relationship before breaking it off with her.
“Tell her she’s insecure,” Baby Girl Lisa advises.
Darcey says she knows about the other woman he’s been posing with in stilted thigh-grab photographs, and Tom says that he met this person three weeks ago, and her name is Shannon, and he was hoping to get some exit sex. Since that doesn’t seem to be working out, he goes with, “I met someone who loves me the way I want to be loved. In three weeks.” Then what the fuck are you doing there, dude? He says, “You had everything of me in your hands, and you didn’t see it. And it was hard to listen to the Jesse thing all the time, when I was busy thinking about other people I planned to bang.” Since this isn’t already ridiculous enough, he says he’s not her notion of love, and that he loves her like a sister he wants to have sex with. Darcey thinks about what this means for her and Stacey, while Tom says he wants to be her friend.
Darcey nixes that bullshit, and says she doesn’t want to be friends. Then Tom tells her to “try not to ruin the next” relationship, and it’s easier to get through this scene if you imagine Tom has a diseased ballsack for a chin, which isn’t far off. He lets Darcey pay for his coffee, and continues throwing his Chex Mix on the floor by saying it’s a weight off of him, and when Darcey tells him to enjoy his life, he responds, “I will now that you’re not in it.” That twice a year interaction was really bringing him down before.
Tom tells the producers that he showed up to see if anything was still there, and because he wanted to be on camera one more time, and because he wanted to have sex with Darcey’s smother-titties before returning to the safety of Shannon’s thigh. Darcey is over this shit, and is ready to watch the baseball bat video with Beyoncé is a yellow dress, breaking stuff.
It’s time to revisit the platonic romantic relationship of Erika and Stephanie. As she stated last week, Stephanie is “waiting” to have sex until she’s actually bisexual, so Erika should start checking out social-distancing hers and hers nursing homes right now. Erika got to know Stephanie as someone with a risqué, fun, and sexual online persona, and she incorrectly assumed that Stephanie would clue her in if her real self didn’t match that presentation. With this in mind, Erika is certain Steph will love her big date surprise: a little artsy neon-lit joint where the last Rockabilly chick in an updo coaches women through the wet wrap construction of boob molds! Is this a thing so one day they can look back fondly on the time their tits weren’t smacking against their knees, or to create a decorative dinner mint container? I want to surprise a friend who will hate me afterwards with this, or arrive with just my cat and wide eyes and my own set of decorative paints. Or maybe I will wake up my partner tomorrow by hovering over him with a jar of plaster while whispering, “it’s time to preserve me.”
Stephanie doesn’t like this because she is wrong, and this is her first time seeing her own breasts outside of the internet. So she sits there awkwardly while everyone has their guns out for a showdown at the double-d corral, wondering why the fuck Erika didn’t see fit to, you know, ask if she wanted to have her tits in the air. All snark aside, I’m siding with Stephanie on this one. Choosing to explore the wonders of titty molds is one thing; arriving at a surprise titty shakedown is another, especially when this doubles as the debut fondling experiment. Something tells me Erika was hoping this would lead to The Sex. This is very Ed of you, Erika. But your fried egg overalls are still amazing.
Anyway, Stephanie decides to play along, and shakes the boxes of medication out of her bra to brace for breast spackle. The other titty sisters preserving their boobage opt to engage, which they will soon regret, and they ask about their relationship, and whether one of them intends to relocate to keep their romance warm. Stephanie, who is pissed off enough that she’s looking for anything to inspire grenade lobbing at Erika, says that she doesn’t think it will last very long if they’re not in the same place. Erika reminds her that she’s a photographer, and already has weddings booked that she needs to complete before moving to another country. Plus, she hears there’s a great plague coming that will leave us all under house arrest indefinitely. Also: it’s day 2. Maybe slow down on a borderline ultimatum. Erika then expresses confusion that on one hand Stephanie is very eager for their relationship to be set in stone, and on the other doesn’t want to have sex with her when they’re working with a tight three-week timeline.
“Is this coercion?” Rosemarie asks.
“Sort of,” Erika reluctantly admits. “I’m hoping it won’t count because I’m bisexual.”
“Still creepy though, and I KNOW creepy,” Ed is there with the confirmation.
Later on they ready themselves for a date, which is really a set-up so Stephanie can interrogate Erika about having a dating app on her phone. Other people would, you know, ask about the app the minute it was spotted, but the cameras weren’t there and this storyline needs Stephanie’s extensions.
Stephanie kicks things off by stating her intentions to take Erika to a nice dinner, and gives Erika a cute tiara headband thing to wear on their date. Once they’ve settled into their table and the thought of romance has dared to enter Erika’s head, Stephanie brings up the “boobie papier mache” and thinks a lot of people get the wrong impression of her, based on what she’s shown and told them. Then Steph demands to know what’s up with the app, and if Erika’s dated anyone else in the four months they’ve been thousands of miles apart. Erika says that she hasn’t and isn’t, but keeps it going for the networking side of things, and by networking she means dicks and vaginas under glass, which are useful in event of emergency.
Stephanie asks if she’d be open to deleting it, so Erika does it, but is annoyed that Stephanie doesn’t trust her and this action is required, and she hasn’t even had any swindle cake yet. Stephanie says the app just makes her uncomfortable, to which an exasperated Erika declares, “Everything makes you uncomfortable!” She says that Steph sold herself as free spirited and then arrived operating with the assumption that presents grant her the right to control her. 87% of the 90DF cast is miffed by this suggestion, and so is Stephanie. Erika takes off Stephanie’s tiara mind control device and storms off, and we get a good look at the extension cords and a sad drain on the floor when they chase after Erika while Stephanie fake cries at the table.
For some reason the producers are still entertaining the Yolanda story, which features her unwavering commitment to displaying total ignorance of British accents, despite the ability to pull up a two minute video on Youtube that would clarify this madness. Yolanda’s daughter notes that Williams appears to have a Nigerian name, address, phone number, accent, and passport, and the caps lock text he sent her reading, “HI I’M NIGERIAN” is a little suspicious. Yolanda is flummoxed, because he lives in Manchester and looks like an underwear model, and why would anyone lie about that? No one is this stupid. Stop it, 90DF. This makes Nicole’s insistence that Azan isn’t already married look convincing. Are there no actual relationships in the queue?
Later, she spends a few days trying to get a hold of him, before she receives an email threatening to release nudes she sent Williams if she doesn’t send money. Kinda like the money Williams asked her to send so he could travel to Vegas. Yolanda thinks this might be part of a rogue hacking operation, scouring the internet for instagram accounts to delete. She needs him to be real so desperately, and I’d feel sorry for her if this wasn’t already outed as an act, and I suspect she made up the email address herself and sent the threat to stretch out her screen time. Have we seen any relationship with Williams up until this point? Other than a string of heart emojis?
Finally, we’ve got Avery and Ash. They’re prepping for a three day trip to the other side of Australia, which Avery doesn’t see as a vacation, because she’s here to get answers about Ash, and you can’t possibly learn about someone by whether or not you’re capable of having fun with them.
“I have an opinion about this,” Erika interjects.
Avery is suspicious because of the shady behavior of Ash’s brother, who at dinner didn’t seem to support Ash’s statement about how easy it would be to take his child away from his mother to live in another country, permanently. Determined to not fall into the dicksand, Avery intends to confront him. They drive down into the country and Avery marvels at the beauty, before they stop in a pretty spot to have a picnic with Ash’s flower shop commitments on full display.
Ash: Yes, I am hearing you, and I am seeing you, and I think it’s good that you have words.
Avery: You’re giving me a rehearsed response. I think you’re sugarcoating the complexities of bringing Taj to America with you. Your brother didn’t seem convinced this would be as easy as you said.
Ash: This is communication, and it is open and honest and from a heart-centered place. I am confident that we can reach a positive outcome in these endeavors, if we continue to co-exist on this plane.
Avery: For fuck’s sake, I get that you’re trying to be positive, but living on planet earth means we’ve got to shovel some shit every once in awhile. Give me a truth bomb.
Ash: I’m afraid the complexity of this will cause you to bail, since you’ve previously dumped my ass. Also, here is some more jargon to plow over that rare moment of honesty, and to speed past the notion of what my ex-wife might have actually said about all this.
Avery: I need to talk to your ex-wife.
Ash: Oh damn.
Next week, Ed is shocked to learn that he’ll be sharing a room with another 54 year-old when he flew in for 19, David walks around Ukraine yelling Lana’s name and putting up missing-person posters, Ash is afraid of his ex-wife talking in plain English to Avery, and Erika is slowly wilting in the face of Stephanie’s highly developed control issues that already dominate their sexless union. Oh, and Darcey is flummoxed as to why Tom had to see her in person to humiliate her on TV, but she’s glad she got to wear that sick outfit, and for fuck’s sake will someone who actually wants to be in an instagram relationship hit her up and work out a hashtag with her already? Fuck!
Thank you, Patreon supporters, my lovely quarantine companions!
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And I responded, “MmmmMMmmmMmmm!” Recap of Before the 90 Days S04E04

Is everyone properly positioned in a fortress of toilet paper and hand sanitizer for nearly 90 minutes of hollow romance? Fuck yeah, quarantine!
As always, I’ll neglect to comment on 90DF’s hazmat-demanding human plague, other than to note that nipple tattoos are a sign of full-body asshole infection. It’s also my latest entry in the Douchepedia, right between ‘Naming Your Comb Because That’s Normal’ and ‘Not a Reason to Be Jealous, But I Planned This’.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Surface Hell, Nigeria, Lisa wakes up next to her ‘destiny’ after a long night of penis gobbling. She smashes her face into Usman’s, while he insists he wants to sleep until this isn’t a nightmare. But Lisa has jet lag, so he’s going to have to rise and start getting used to his world revolving around her. The afterglow couldn’t be dimmer.
Lisa summons her inner Laura, and says that sex is different in Nigeria, and she was shocked to discover an unexpected resistance to going truffle hunting in her 19-hour jeans-baked travel clam. Usman described the encounter as “70% good of what I expected, and that’s enough.” This gives her a low C for people who haven’t been in school for awhile, and 30% of Usman definitely needs to talk to someone.
While pawing through the drugstore she packed in her suitcase, Lisa unearths condoms for slut people, and they chuckle over the possibility of using them, because the best way to ward of STIs is to openly mock them. Lisa then asks how his first bareback ride went, and Usman’s face suggests he’s been to many, many rodeos, and Lisa was just his first old town road.
The doomed duo then ventures out to meet the yahoo boys for breakfast, and they mention Usman’s mom doesn’t like white folks, and thinks Lisa’s trying to make Usman her slave, because she is. Lisa is baffled to learn that Africans are distrustful of white folks; I mean, things got weird like 400 years ago, and since then Obama was elected and Miley Cyrus twerked without an ass, so isn’t there equality now? Lisa should be able to convince his mom of her pure intentions by either bullying or gloating, which are her only two routes of operation, and if those don’t work, she’ll remind us he’s a celebrity.
When Lisa insists they’ll be married with or without approval, Usman’s yahoo boys look at him in yahoo horror, and Usman walks it back to a decision that will arrive with a spontaneous fit of wisdom, that will just coincidentally be whatever his mom suggests. Nice. I’m using this. Usman confesses to the producers that he lied about being indifferent to his mom’s approval, or maybe wasn’t banking on it until he was feeling D+ devoted. Lisa flounces away, because she still hasn’t noticed she’s in a different country with different cultural norms, and that her yahoo boy is not flouncing after her. This is very on-brand for someone baffled that their likeness wasn’t projected onto the moon for Usman’s video shoot.
Back at the hotel Lisa is packing her hodgepodge suitcase of brown shoes and mullet dresses to travel to Usman’s modest apartment. As they get in the car his phone vibrates away, while Lisa furiously pets her teddy bear gift in hopes of rubbing it to life so she can stuff it with dynamite and send it on a suicide mission to destroy Usman’s female fans. “He has too many followers,” she tells the bear, newly named InstaGrammie. “His career will be a lot more successful if no one is listening to his music. I know things, InstaGrammie. I know.”
Finally they arrive at Usman’s Yahoo Hut of two rooms and a bucket shower, which is luxury to Nigerian bachelors and anyone working in San Francisco. Lisa is shocked to discover those 22K instagram followers didn’t heart-button a mansion into existence, and this is not what she expects from a celebrity trolling online communities for a middle-aged woman. “Thank God we’re staying at a hotel,” Lisa declares, since she’s used to living the high life of body waxing, sugary drinks, and last gasp suitcases. Meanwhile, Usman expresses his discomfort to his friends, and says that she’s even more controlling in person, and doesn’t seem likely to respect his career, which greatly decreases the likelihood of him convincing his mom she’s not looking for a slave.
If we’re going to go Paul, I don’t want Paul Lite, I want Paul 151, because he’s the only one who can be calmer than you are at the reunion after running into the jungle in flip flops with hair in his pocket and a producer hot on his trail. Instead, we’ve got Big Ed, aka Little Paul, prepping for the romantic interrogation of his dearly beloved. He asks for two beds in the hotel room so their genitals can be separated by space, time, logic, and a fortress of condoms and contraceptive foam. Sadly, this has nothing to do with respect; it’s about plans to humiliate her with an on-camera STI test, because he “wants to know he can trust her,” and chlamydia is a sign of betrayal, I guess. If I hadn’t had sex in 28 years, my concern would be whether I was capable of rocking out with my cock out now that the energy and libido of being 22 are but a distant memory, but Ed probably sees sex like a White Snake video, where he’s the car and Rose is the writhing redhead, who remains enthusiastic despite the fact that the engine isn’t even on.
Anyway, Rose mentions that she doesn’t speak English that well, but Ed keeps talking to her, and there’s only so many times she can smile and tilt her head, and wonder if he’s ever going to ask her any questions about herself that don’t sound like accusations. Spoiler alert: he’s not. Ed gives her a San Diego T-shirt to sleep in, and feels bad that she didn’t bring pajamas, and never thinks for a second that this is because she wasn’t anticipating staying at a hotel. Again: that requires asking questions.
Ed brushes his teeth, and opts to prolong his last mayo application by not showering. Apparently me, Jasmin, and Avery are the only people who want to break open a fire hydrant or walk through a human car wash after getting off the sky bullet of stank. Rose tells the producers she’s going to pretend to be asleep so Big Ed can fuck right off, and when he says “goodnight my queen” she responds with: “This is a snore.” Aced it.
The next day Ed wakes up and makes gerbil noises on Rose’s neck, before ordering room service and listening to Rose’s complaints that the room is too cold. I’m on Ed’s side here. Rose is wrong. Then Rose and Ed’s anxiety get into a taxi and head to a market, where Ed declares his intention to take her shopping, but not before he asks if she’s excited he’s in the “Phil-A-PEEEEENS!” This is officially a realistic first date.
At the market he spots some pajamas, and announces his presence to shop-owners with the official 90DF greeting: “Does anyone here speak English?” Rose takes it upon herself to pull the appropriate bills from Ed’s open wallet, likely in response to him saying, “I don’t even know how much that is.” Instead of seeing this as a speedy response to articulated confusion in an environment where a gaping wallet is a bad idea, he takes offense. After a few more purchases and a thoroughly soaked sweaty shirt, Ed whines that he’s hot and needs to be back in air conditioning.
“Have you considered an ice pack vest,” Paul interjects. “And yes, I have an entire basement full of TP in preparation for coronavirus. I’m not going to tell you how many weapons I have, because that could make me a target. In fact, this isn’t Paul. This camouflage means you can’t see me. What’s that over there?” (Running sound.)
Meanwhile, Avery has deplaned and is ready to meet single-ladies trafficker Ash, and she’s nervous about being a stinky hag for their intro. Lucky for her, I can smell the sandalwood on Ash through the tv screen, so between that and her aura of honeycomb and stardust they should be fine. They happily greet each other and declare their initial physical interaction “natural” (not gonna lie, it made me smile).
They head to their AirBnB, and in the car Ash reports that her hands are so “nurturing” which prompts a giggle from Avery, before she retorts that his hands are soft, and he says it’s because all he does it wack it and dunk it in the ocean. She laughs at this, but Ash presents no indication that he’s joking unless the punchline is his pants. Is this what she means by Ash knowing the right things to say? Because he’s at the front of my Douchepedia, under ‘Cult Leader for Vagina’.
Ash shares an apartment with his brother, but said brother doesn’t want Avery to stay there, because she might trip over Ash’s other girlfriends. This makes Avery reasonably suspicious, so she says the bed large enough for her to starfish is hers, and Ash can shove those two twin beds together and fuck the slot in between, until their spirits agree with their genitals. I’m really starting to like Avery. Ash is disappointed in this, but recovers immediately, because as a relationship coach he knows that women are all the same, and will fuck him eventually.
The long box he snagged from his favorite florist to have beers with contains long-stemmed black roses, which she loves because they remind her of how dead inside 90DF viewers are (so?), and he chases this with a fond token commemorating that time she ghosted him. Apparently he posted his-and-her ‘Avery Loves Ash’ bracelets on THE GRAM, and Avery thought that was so cringe that she grabbed Lisa’s InstaGrammie bear and screamed into its stomach. I’d have a similar reaction, but my concept of romance is my boyfriend rubbing a potato on my back to banish a lung disease, so yeah, I‘d better sit this one out. They talk about this, and how she wasn’t ready “accept his love,” but she’s seriously considering it now that she’s on a TV show.
Finally we meet MMmmMmmmmmMM David, the glorious human I’ve been eagerly anticipating since the first preview. David is on the brink of retiring after a successful tech career, and is RV shopping so he can travel the country with his kitty copilot, Mothra. He has to sell a lot of stuff to accommodate a nomadic existence, but intends to cling tightly to his collection of unicycles. Can this guy be my uncle? David, you’re my uncle now. Also, I’m setting you up with Yolanda, if I can recover her from Manchester, ASP.
The Ukrainian woman conning him is Lana, whom you might remember from the time she went by Maria, and they’ve been chatting online up to four hours a day for seven years. She’s stood him for every one of their in-person meetings, because like a lot of people on this show, emergencies and illnesses happen right before air travel. David explains that he’s had a Slavic-lady fetish since his prepubescent wanking to Boris and Natasha, and is okay with spending $100K talking to a fantasy online through an expensive translation site, because he doesn’t feel lonely, and that makes him think it’s a good investment. This might be the most honest answer in the history of this show.
He meets up with friends Dave and Victoria, who confirm David’s wealth by how they carry themselves and the way they express concern for his emotional well-being, but not his finances. Victoria is also Ukrainian, and met Dave on a dating site, but Victoria says that she paid for this herself, and that women over 25 still looking for a man in the Ukraine are hunting for suckers. David is not persuaded by this argument, and his bank account just doesn’t care, and I’m fully on board with David’s comfortable dismissal of logic and evidence.
The site and chat service he uses to communicate with Lana doesn’t allow video interaction unless he’s willing to surrender additional cash, at which point they’ll dust off Maria and have her smile and call him husband. He takes his laptop to a park to chat with her, and get the details of their upcoming meeting in Odessa. He asks how he’ll be able to identify her, and she says she’ll be wearing a blue dress, and hiding under her invisible train ticket. If David smells a rat he doesn’t much care, and is pleased when she sends him a devilish emoji, which he explains is code for THE SEX, a subject that often comes up when he wonders about train tickets. “And I responded MmmmMMmmMMM,” he narrates, and my favorite character since Jihoon has been Frankenstein’d to life.
Later he calls his friend Anya in Ukraine. He met her during his last round of perusing a Ukrainian wifey, and she was a little too shy for David, but they’ve remained good friends…and yet the reason he hasn’t met Lana is that she’s “too shy” for the airport? Okay then. Instead of seeing this as Cesar part 2, I’m going to craft a storyline where Anya is actually Lana, drawing David into a polyamory plot with her current husband. Instead, Anya think he’s naïve for thinking someone who refuses to meet with him after seven years is a solid romantic prospect, and our best bet is the potential for Anya to introduce him to a female friend in fleshy form.
In Yonkers, Stephanie arranges her dogs on her bed to call Erica and her lip injections. She confesses to Erica that she described her as a friend to her family, and Erica goes quiet but doesn’t question it. Erica reports Friday night plans to watch the football final, and Stephanie is jealous because she has no plans, except eating some cheese and watching a movie. This doesn’t inspire giggles or affirmation that this is a solid COVID-19 plan, and that bright light on the horizon is The Doom.
Later, Stephanie packs up, and shows her friend Heather the gifts she got Erica. Stephanie’s gift game is solid, and she reveals a pricey purse she scored that matches Erica’s style so well that I’ll refrain from predictable pumpkin spice commentary. Heather is concerned that Stephanie is all-in already, and Erica won’t be able to drop everything to accommodate Stephanie’s limited lifestyle. She suspects that Stephanie’s eagerness has to do with her mortality awareness, which is underscored by the pharmacy she’s cramming into a suitcase.
Once at the airport, Stephanie reveals that she’ll have to wear a mask to protect herself, and pulls out this sad, scratchy paper mask that she doesn’t really wear in the airport, or on the plane. I have questions, and want to send her a Vogmask as soon as they’re back in production so she can be on trend. Then she can look more like she got lost on the way to the rave, and less like a biohazard waiting to spill onto the runway.
Speaking of biohazards, Darcey, Stacey, and Raina all head to the spa, because that’s what the Kardashians would do. Darcey doesn’t know what the status of her relationship is, because Tom has expressed total indifference, but she hasn’t received any notarized paperwork in triplicate, so it’s all up in the air for Darcey. She calls Tom’s escort a “Darcey lookalike,” and oh honey, no. Instead of addressing the new hand-holster being paraded on THE GRAM directly, she lets all his messages go unanswered, because she needs that scene in New York to happen. Raina chimes in that this relationship is “fucking crazy” and something tells me she says that 30 times a day, and it usually has something to do with Darcey.
Next week Steph meets Erica, MayoMan asks for an STI test, a convicted felon pretends to not be collecting foreign-born spouses to beat, Yolanda wastes our time, Avery meets Ash’s strangely suspicious brother, who looks like a smoking hot villain, Lisa’s campaign of delusion reaches a music video apex, and David happily greets Anya at the airport (and we’re teased that this is Lana).
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Let’s Not Be a Drama Queen About This: Recap of Before the 90 Days, S04E07

Welcome to another recap of Before the 90 Days: The Season Where No One is Dating. First off, if you’re watching Geoffrey’s segment, your safe word is “orange”. If that doesn’t work, please lock yourself in a panic room and wait there until the Avengers arrive. If you hear one voice say, “No really, this is totally the Avengers” do not open the door. Or maybe just social-distance yourself from this whole fucking storyline, because we should not be observing this human stain.
Let’s turn our attention to prisoner of war Usman, busy filming a real life version of Get Out. You know it’s bad when the con artist seeking green card access to bolster a floundering hip hop career is the protagonist. I haven’t felt this awkward since last season of Vanderpump Rules when I was forced to defend James Kennedy. Anyway, Baby-Girl Lisa still hasn’t successfully harvested his essence to maintain control over the Dark Crystal, and Usman threatens to throw a wrench into her plans with a daring escape in the trunk of his friend’s car. Then he realizes he left his phone in the hotel room, and it’s got the lyrics to “Dabbing” on it, so he’s forced to return, to face Lisa losing the mind she never had.
She declares that he’s been absent for 30 minutes and she’s upset …which would have also been the case if he were gone for five minutes, or not at all, or if he went to the bathroom unsupervised, or put on his right shoe before his left one, or stood up too quickly or not fast enough. This time, Lisa’s argument is that she was “scared’ to be left alone (with producers in a hotel room). Annoyed with this never-ending wheel of complaint, Usman declares that he can’t win with her. Then BGL cuts him down with “Let’s not be a drama queen about this.” That’s right kids, all aboard the Gaslight Express, where the person reacting to the drama is the drama queen — not the person perpetually creating it. Would someone please take this man’s photo so he can restore his spirit to his body with the flash? GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!
She continues to stitch a verbal quilt of grievances, while noting how irrelevant Usman’s points are, and looking like she’s ready to start filming her episode of Intervention. Usman slowly realizes that Lisa is unlikely to have an adult conversation with his mother, let alone a respectful one, and he may not be able to salvage his Nigerian hip hop career, let alone forge one in the US of A. He goes outside and admits to the producers that he may have reached his breaking point, and would like to know if they have some kind of relocation program. This is not what Lisa expects from a prisoner, and she informs the producers that “the man who left here is not the man I abducted.”
Usman returns at 2AM to sit in an adjacent room and not talk to Lisa, making half of his wildest dreams come true. He lights up a hookah and considers how he has this “wonderful opportunity” to go to the states, and it might be too much to pretend to like Lisa long enough to get a green card. The producers ask him how he’s doing, and he says that anything he does is not enough, and before he can answer further BGL groans her way into the room.
“Nobody’s perfect. You need to make up your mind and make it up quick,” She declares, because that makes sense. He attempts to confront her, and states that he’s always respected her, and she insults him. And if it’s this bad in Nigeria, what’s it going to be like when she submerges him in preservative gel in the United States? “You’re very insecure about this relationship,” Lisa mumbles.
Usman says that yes, he is, that’s the truth. Then Lisa unfurls her scroll of half-assed excuses, including that the whole trip has been stressful, that there’s a five hour time difference, that she’s in this hotel room that bests the average Idaho haunt but is beneath her, and it’s a day of the week that ends in y, and he should know how she feels about that. Then she says she wants to “close it up” which is the closest Usman is going to get to an apology. For whatever reason, Usman decides that this will do, and later Lisa expresses concerns about returning to the US alone, and declares “ it will destroy both of us.” By this she means she’ll be forced to rework the plot into something that ends with her saucy finger, and will leak the unedited version of Usman’s “I Love You” video, because that’ll teach him.
Speaking of horror movies, let’s stop by Silence of the Lambs to visit Creepy Ed, who puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again. Rose has made the unfortunate mistake of returning to their shared hotel room, where he hands her a robe and tells her to take a bath, then forces champagne on her, and says he’s going to rub her feet. Note that he didn’t ask her if she was interested in any of these things. Ed considers this “showing how romantic he can be” while the rest of us call this “reasons to run out of the room with your shoes in your hand the minute he goes to the bathroom.” As she gets comfortable because he told her to, Big Nightmare declares he’s “staring at her feet and not her pajamas,” and I’m staring into the deep black abyss, hunting for a portal to escape this. Friends, this is it: the Most Cringe Scene in 90DF History. There’s not even any competition. This is the Citizen Kane of cringe.
“It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever its told,” Ed declares, with “Goodbye Horses” softly playing in the background.
“Please let me out,” Rose cries.
Since Rose is recoiling in a manner obvious to anyone who isn’t an incel, Ed seizes the opportunity to ask her for a kiss. She says on her cheek or the end of her fist after a wind up, whatever he prefers. He asks for “the middle” which she assumes means the forehead. He kisses her on the cheek, and then brow beats her into kissing him on the mouth. She gets it over with as quickly as possible, and Ed declares that it was “nice” and Jesus Christ, someone put a collar on this beast.
“Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me,” Ed explains (“Goodbye horses, I’m flying over you…”.)
“Is this called coercion in United States?” Rose asks.
“It puts the lotion in the fucking basket!”
The next morning it appears Rose has finally succumbed to his ridiculous advances, and seems cool with it. She declares a hatred for his under-the-bridge beard, and Ed notes that she has hairy legs, which he finds “gross,”and asks her to shave them to best match his blow-up doll ideal. This is rich coming from someone with a greasy mop of Clairol for Mayo dangling in his face. Soon I’ll kick off a GoFundMe to buy Rose a full-body merkin to insulate her lady flesh from Ed’s Rumpelstiltskin mitts. For now, she goes in for the shave and Ed ditches the beard, and I long for the Wookie days of yore.
Later he heads to Rose’s house to act like a goon around a larger audience. He takes a three hour cab ride to her village, where he is shocked to discover that the Philippines is like the Philippines. First he meets Rose’s son Prince, who initially seems confused, and then declares “daddy!” And embraces him. Big Ed isn’t sure how he feels about being a father again at 54, but he’s totally okay with dating a child. Ed is also uneasy about meeting Rose’s sister Maria, because she hit up Ed for cash. Once Maria meets Ed, she realizes she should have asked for more.
The family is waiting with a little surprise party, and Ed meets Rose’s other two sisters and a brother-in-law. When they ask what he thinks, he wants to know where the windows are, and if he should worry about getting rabies from wayward bats or cockroaches, because he’s heard both things are attracted to the scent of canola oil. Seriously: why can’t anyone on this show make a polite comment to the family except Angela? How hard is it to say, “Well I bet you have a great view of the stars!”
Rose’s family has a nice set of dishes arranged for dinner, including fish, chicken, rice, and the silky gravy of Ed’s back sweat. He asks for something to drink, while they marvel at the river running down his face, and we learn her father is running late because he’s busy at the pig farm, which also sounds suspiciously poor to Ed. When Father arrives he’s quiet, contemplating that his daughter is hoping to marry someone older than himself, who is pushing his food around his plate, and calling a chicken like a dog to feed it from the table. Rose’s father wants to know if Ed knows the difference between dinner and a dog, and then asks what Ed’s intentions are, other than getting on his damn nerves. Ed declares, “I want to get to know your daughter, no games.” Sure, Prince is already calling him “daddy,” but wouldn’t want to create strange expectations by suggesting marriage post-coitus, amirite?
Ed declares that now that he’s seen the depth of their poverty, he worries that he’s just a meal ticket to Rose, and not the man of her dreams, even though he’s after Rose for specific things himself. It’s important for her to love him like Rose loved Jack in the Titanic, even if Ed can’t draw anything and would demand to be the only body on that floating door, and she’s the only person to consider him king of any world.
Meanwhile, Tom continues his crusade to come off as a sympathetic character by making sad eyes from his good angle for the camera. As he pieces together one of his predictably boring outfits, he says he hopes they can have a conversation and attack the problem and not the person, but admits that he doesn’t care about attacking the person if the person is Darcey and not himself.
He situates himself to await her arrival, while Darcey enters the joint with a Beyoncé track in her head, and dumps her 16 changes of clothing on an unsuspecting hostess who has questions. Then she struts. Her. Shit. This is officially the first time Darcey has donned an outfit that isn’t from her signature Midlife Crisis line, and that jumpsuit is the fuck-you jam, and I want it for my next dramatic public fight with a future ex. She greets him as “Thomas” and passes on the affectionate greeting in favor of a handshake, before settling in for some gold medal passive aggression.
Tom: I’m nervous. Because I’m full of shit.
Darcey: No need. It’s just me. That’s called constipation, Tom.
Tom: How was Malta? If I had talked to you sometime in the last six weeks, I might know the answer to this question.
Darcey: It was nice to spend it with Stace. Thank you for the birthday…text. You said you were going to call or video call, I waited that whole day…but it’s okay. I know you’re a dick.
Tom: What actually happened to us? I’m going to act like what happened isn’t me going balls deep in another chick and bragging about it on instagram.
Darcey: I don’t know, but you must not know about me, you must not know about me. Should I say it twice? That’s kinda weird. It sounded better in my head.
Hannibal Lector: Cut him on the bias, Clarice. Serve him with a nice Chianti.
Tom goes on to say that she “was” this lovely woman, but has very specific things she wants, and she’s really not there for him, because she’s preoccupied with selecting the right filters for her twirling face-angle shots on instagram. He insists that Darcey never lets him talk during the conversations they don’t have, while a waiter with bad timing regrets his water glass decisions, and knows his tip is going to be bullshit. Darcey’s not having it, and knows he’s rerouting the events of the last six months to be about her doing something wrong, so she wants to know what his secret is, and talks to him in a soothing voice that is WAY more terrifying than mad Darcey.
“What do you want to hear?” Tom asks, because he’s still determined to make this about how out of control and unreasonable Darcey is, what with her fancy wanting interaction and silly expectations that he wouldn’t start another relationship before breaking it off with her.
“Tell her she’s insecure,” Baby Girl Lisa advises.
Darcey says she knows about the other woman he’s been posing with in stilted thigh-grab photographs, and Tom says that he met this person three weeks ago, and her name is Shannon, and he was hoping to get some exit sex. Since that doesn’t seem to be working out, he goes with, “I met someone who loves me the way I want to be loved. In three weeks.” Then what the fuck are you doing there, dude? He says, “You had everything of me in your hands, and you didn’t see it. And it was hard to listen to the Jesse thing all the time, when I was busy thinking about other people I planned to bang.” Since this isn’t already ridiculous enough, he says he’s not her notion of love, and that he loves her like a sister he wants to have sex with. Darcey thinks about what this means for her and Stacey, while Tom says he wants to be her friend.
Darcey nixes that bullshit, and says she doesn’t want to be friends. Then Tom tells her to “try not to ruin the next” relationship, and it’s easier to get through this scene if you imagine Tom has a diseased ballsack for a chin, which isn’t far off. He lets Darcey pay for his coffee, and continues throwing his Chex Mix on the floor by saying it’s a weight off of him, and when Darcey tells him to enjoy his life, he responds, “I will now that you’re not in it.” That twice a year interaction was really bringing him down before.
Tom tells the producers that he showed up to see if anything was still there, and because he wanted to be on camera one more time, and because he wanted to have sex with Darcey’s smother-titties before returning to the safety of Shannon’s thigh. Darcey is over this shit, and is ready to watch the baseball bat video with Beyoncé is a yellow dress, breaking stuff.
It’s time to revisit the platonic romantic relationship of Erika and Stephanie. As she stated last week, Stephanie is “waiting” to have sex until she’s actually bisexual, so Erika should start checking out social-distancing hers and hers nursing homes right now. Erika got to know Stephanie as someone with a risqué, fun, and sexual online persona, and she incorrectly assumed that Stephanie would clue her in if her real self didn’t match that presentation. With this in mind, Erika is certain Steph will love her big date surprise: a little artsy neon-lit joint where the last Rockabilly chick in an updo coaches women through the wet wrap construction of boob molds! Is this a thing so one day they can look back fondly on the time their tits weren’t smacking against their knees, or to create a decorative dinner mint container? I want to surprise a friend who will hate me afterwards with this, or arrive with just my cat and wide eyes and my own set of decorative paints. Or maybe I will wake up my partner tomorrow by hovering over him with a jar of plaster while whispering, “it’s time to preserve me.”
Stephanie doesn’t like this because she is wrong, and this is her first time seeing her own breasts outside of the internet. So she sits there awkwardly while everyone has their guns out for a showdown at the double-d corral, wondering why the fuck Erika didn’t see fit to, you know, ask if she wanted to have her tits in the air. All snark aside, I’m siding with Stephanie on this one. Choosing to explore the wonders of titty molds is one thing; arriving at a surprise titty shakedown is another, especially when this doubles as the debut fondling experiment. Something tells me Erika was hoping this would lead to The Sex. This is very Ed of you, Erika. But your fried egg overalls are still amazing.
Anyway, Stephanie decides to play along, and shakes the boxes of medication out of her bra to brace for breast spackle. The other titty sisters preserving their boobage opt to engage, which they will soon regret, and they ask about their relationship, and whether one of them intends to relocate to keep their romance warm. Stephanie, who is pissed off enough that she’s looking for anything to inspire grenade lobbing at Erika, says that she doesn’t think it will last very long if they’re not in the same place. Erika reminds her that she’s a photographer, and already has weddings booked that she needs to complete before moving to another country. Plus, she hears there’s a great plague coming that will leave us all under house arrest indefinitely. Also: it’s day 2. Maybe slow down on a borderline ultimatum. Erika then expresses confusion that on one hand Stephanie is very eager for their relationship to be set in stone, and on the other doesn’t want to have sex with her when they’re working with a tight three-week timeline.
“Is this coercion?” Rosemarie asks.
“Sort of,” Erika reluctantly admits. “I’m hoping it won’t count because I’m bisexual.”
“Still creepy though, and I KNOW creepy,” Ed is there with the confirmation.
Later on they ready themselves for a date, which is really a set-up so Stephanie can interrogate Erika about having a dating app on her phone. Other people would, you know, ask about the app the minute it was spotted, but the cameras weren’t there and this storyline needs Stephanie’s extensions.
Stephanie kicks things off by stating her intentions to take Erika to a nice dinner, and gives Erika a cute tiara headband thing to wear on their date. Once they’ve settled into their table and the thought of romance has dared to enter Erika’s head, Stephanie brings up the “boobie papier mache” and thinks a lot of people get the wrong impression of her, based on what she’s shown and told them. Then Steph demands to know what’s up with the app, and if Erika’s dated anyone else in the four months they’ve been thousands of miles apart. Erika says that she hasn’t and isn’t, but keeps it going for the networking side of things, and by networking she means dicks and vaginas under glass, which are useful in event of emergency.
Stephanie asks if she’d be open to deleting it, so Erika does it, but is annoyed that Stephanie doesn’t trust her and this action is required, and she hasn’t even had any swindle cake yet. Stephanie says the app just makes her uncomfortable, to which an exasperated Erika declares, “Everything makes you uncomfortable!” She says that Steph sold herself as free spirited and then arrived operating with the assumption that presents grant her the right to control her. 87% of the 90DF cast is miffed by this suggestion, and so is Stephanie. Erika takes off Stephanie’s tiara mind control device and storms off, and we get a good look at the extension cords and a sad drain on the floor when they chase after Erika while Stephanie fake cries at the table.
For some reason the producers are still entertaining the Yolanda story, which features her unwavering commitment to displaying total ignorance of British accents, despite the ability to pull up a two minute video on Youtube that would clarify this madness. Yolanda’s daughter notes that Williams appears to have a Nigerian name, address, phone number, accent, and passport, and the caps lock text he sent her reading, “HI I’M NIGERIAN” is a little suspicious. Yolanda is flummoxed, because he lives in Manchester and looks like an underwear model, and why would anyone lie about that? No one is this stupid. Stop it, 90DF. This makes Nicole’s insistence that Azan isn’t already married look convincing. Are there no actual relationships in the queue?
Later, she spends a few days trying to get a hold of him, before she receives an email threatening to release nudes she sent Williams if she doesn’t send money. Kinda like the money Williams asked her to send so he could travel to Vegas. Yolanda thinks this might be part of a rogue hacking operation, scouring the internet for instagram accounts to delete. She needs him to be real so desperately, and I’d feel sorry for her if this wasn’t already outed as an act, and I suspect she made up the email address herself and sent the threat to stretch out her screen time. Have we seen any relationship with Williams up until this point? Other than a string of heart emojis?
Finally, we’ve got Avery and Ash. They’re prepping for a three day trip to the other side of Australia, which Avery doesn’t see as a vacation, because she’s here to get answers about Ash, and you can’t possibly learn about someone by whether or not you’re capable of having fun with them.
“I have an opinion about this,” Erika interjects.
Avery is suspicious because of the shady behavior of Ash’s brother, who at dinner didn’t seem to support Ash’s statement about how easy it would be to take his child away from his mother to live in another country, permanently. Determined to not fall into the dicksand, Avery intends to confront him. They drive down into the country and Avery marvels at the beauty, before they stop in a pretty spot to have a picnic with Ash’s flower shop commitments on full display.
Ash: Yes, I am hearing you, and I am seeing you, and I think it’s good that you have words.
Avery: You’re giving me a rehearsed response. I think you’re sugarcoating the complexities of bringing Taj to America with you. Your brother didn’t seem convinced this would be as easy as you said.
Ash: This is communication, and it is open and honest and from a heart-centered place. I am confident that we can reach a positive outcome in these endeavors, if we continue to co-exist on this plane.
Avery: For fuck’s sake, I get that you’re trying to be positive, but living on planet earth means we’ve got to shovel some shit every once in awhile. Give me a truth bomb.
Ash: I’m afraid the complexity of this will cause you to bail, since you’ve previously dumped my ass. Also, here is some more jargon to plow over that rare moment of honesty, and to speed past the notion of what my ex-wife might have actually said about all this.
Avery: I need to talk to your ex-wife.
Ash: Oh damn.
Next week, Ed is shocked to learn that he’ll be sharing a room with another 54 year-old when he flew in for 19, David walks around Ukraine yelling Lana’s name and putting up missing-person posters, Ash is afraid of his ex-wife talking in plain English to Avery, and Erika is slowly wilting in the face of Stephanie’s highly developed control issues that already dominate their sexless union. Oh, and Darcey is flummoxed as to why Tom had to see her in person to humiliate her on TV, but she’s glad she got to wear that sick outfit, and for fuck’s sake will someone who actually wants to be in an instagram relationship hit her up and work out a hashtag with her already? Fuck!
Thank you, Patreon supporters, my lovely quarantine companions!
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And I responded, “MmmmMMmmmMMmm!” Recap of Before the 90 Days S04E4

Is everyone properly positioned in a fortress of toilet paper and hand sanitizer for nearly 90 minutes of hollow romance? Fuck yeah, quarantine!
As always, I’ll neglect to comment on 90DF’s hazmat-demanding human plague, other than to note that nipple tattoos are a sign of full-body asshole infection. It’s also my latest entry in the Douchepedia, right between ‘Naming Your Comb Because That’s Normal’ and ‘Not a Reason to Be Jealous, But I Planned This’.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Surface Hell, Nigeria, Lisa wakes up next to her ‘destiny’ after a long night of penis gobbling. She smashes her face into Usman’s, while he insists he wants to sleep until this isn’t a nightmare. But Lisa has jet lag, so he’s going to have to rise and start getting used to his world revolving around her. The afterglow couldn’t be dimmer.
Lisa summons her inner Laura, and says that sex is different in Nigeria, and she was shocked to discover an unexpected resistance to going truffle hunting in her 19-hour jeans-baked travel clam. Usman described the encounter as “70% good of what I expected, and that’s enough.” This gives her a low C for people who haven’t been in school for awhile, and 30% of Usman definitely needs to talk to someone.
While pawing through the drugstore she packed in her suitcase, Lisa unearths condoms for slut people, and they chuckle over the possibility of using them, because the best way to ward of STIs is to openly mock them. Lisa then asks how his first bareback ride went, and Usman’s face suggests he’s been to many, many rodeos, and Lisa was just his first old town road.
The doomed duo then ventures out to meet the yahoo boys for breakfast, and they mention Usman’s mom doesn’t like white folks, and thinks Lisa’s trying to make Usman her slave, because she is. Lisa is baffled to learn that Africans are distrustful of white folks; I mean, things got weird like 400 years ago, and since then Obama was elected and Miley Cyrus twerked without an ass, so isn’t there equality now? Lisa should be able to convince his mom of her pure intentions by either bullying or gloating, which are her only two routes of operation, and if those don’t work, she’ll remind us he’s a celebrity.
When Lisa insists they’ll be married with or without approval, Usman’s yahoo boys look at him in yahoo horror, and Usman walks it back to a decision that will arrive with a spontaneous fit of wisdom, that will just coincidentally be whatever his mom suggests. Nice. I’m using this. Usman confesses to the producers that he lied about being indifferent to his mom’s approval, or maybe wasn’t banking on it until he was feeling D+ devoted. Lisa flounces away, because she still hasn’t noticed she’s in a different country with different cultural norms, and that her yahoo boy is not flouncing after her. This is very on-brand for someone baffled that their likeness wasn’t projected onto the moon for Usman’s video shoot.
Back at the hotel Lisa is packing her hodgepodge suitcase of brown shoes and mullet dresses to travel to Usman’s modest apartment. As they get in the car his phone vibrates away, while Lisa furiously pets her teddy bear gift in hopes of rubbing it to life so she can stuff it with dynamite and send it on a suicide mission to destroy Usman’s female fans. “He has too many followers,” she tells the bear, newly named InstaGrammie. “His career will be a lot more successful if no one is listening to his music. I know things, InstaGrammie. I know.”
Finally they arrive at Usman’s Yahoo Hut of two rooms and a bucket shower, which is luxury to Nigerian bachelors and anyone working in San Francisco. Lisa is shocked to discover those 22K instagram followers didn’t heart-button a mansion into existence, and this is not what she expects from a celebrity trolling online communities for a middle-aged woman. “Thank God we’re staying at a hotel,” Lisa declares, since she’s used to living the high life of body waxing, sugary drinks, and last gasp suitcases. Meanwhile, Usman expresses his discomfort to his friends, and says that she’s even more controlling in person, and doesn’t seem likely to respect his career, which greatly decreases the likelihood of him convincing his mom she’s not looking for a slave.
If we’re going to go Paul, I don’t want Paul Lite, I want Paul 151, because he’s the only one who can be calmer than you are at the reunion after running into the jungle in flip flops with hair in his pocket and a producer hot on his trail. Instead, we’ve got Big Ed, aka Little Paul, prepping for the romantic interrogation of his dearly beloved. He asks for two beds in the hotel room so their genitals can be separated by space, time, logic, and a fortress of condoms and contraceptive foam. Sadly, this has nothing to do with respect; it’s about plans to humiliate her with an on-camera STI test, because he “wants to know he can trust her,” and chlamydia is a sign of betrayal, I guess. If I hadn’t had sex in 28 years, my concern would be whether I was capable of rocking out with my cock out now that the energy and libido of being 22 are but a distant memory, but Ed probably sees sex like a White Snake video, where he’s the car and Rose is the writhing redhead, who remains enthusiastic despite the fact that the engine isn’t even on.
Anyway, Rose mentions that she doesn’t speak English that well, but Ed keeps talking to her, and there’s only so many times she can smile and tilt her head, and wonder if he’s ever going to ask her any questions about herself that don’t sound like accusations. Spoiler alert: he’s not. Ed gives her a San Diego T-shirt to sleep in, and feels bad that she didn’t bring pajamas, and never thinks for a second that this is because she wasn’t anticipating staying at a hotel. Again: that requires asking questions.
Ed brushes his teeth, and opts to prolong his last mayo application by not showering. Apparently me, Jasmin, and Avery are the only people who want to break open a fire hydrant or walk through a human car wash after getting off the sky bullet of stank. Rose tells the producers she’s going to pretend to be asleep so Big Ed can fuck right off, and when he says “goodnight my queen” she responds with: “This is a snore.” Aced it.
The next day Ed wakes up and makes gerbil noises on Rose’s neck, before ordering room service and listening to Rose’s complaints that the room is too cold. I’m on Ed’s side here. Rose is wrong. Then Rose and Ed’s anxiety get into a taxi and head to a market, where Ed declares his intention to take her shopping, but not before he asks if she’s excited he’s in the “Phil-A-PEEEEENS!” This is officially a realistic first date.
At the market he spots some pajamas, and announces his presence to shop-owners with the official 90DF greeting: “Does anyone here speak English?” Rose takes it upon herself to pull the appropriate bills from Ed’s open wallet, likely in response to him saying, “I don’t even know how much that is.” Instead of seeing this as a speedy response to articulated confusion in an environment where a gaping wallet is a bad idea, he takes offense. After a few more purchases and a thoroughly soaked sweaty shirt, Ed whines that he’s hot and needs to be back in air conditioning.
“Have you considered an ice pack vest,” Paul interjects. “And yes, I have an entire basement full of TP in preparation for coronavirus. I’m not going to tell you how many weapons I have, because that could make me a target. In fact, this isn’t Paul. This camouflage means you can’t see me. What’s that over there?” (Running sound.)
Meanwhile, Avery has deplaned and is ready to meet single-ladies trafficker Ash, and she’s nervous about being a stinky hag for their intro. Lucky for her, I can smell the sandalwood on Ash through the tv screen, so between that and her aura of honeycomb and stardust they should be fine. They happily greet each other and declare their initial physical interaction “natural” (not gonna lie, it made me smile).
They head to their AirBnB, and in the car Ash reports that her hands are so “nurturing” which prompts a giggle from Avery, before she retorts that his hands are soft, and he says it’s because all he does it wack it and dunk it in the ocean. She laughs at this, but Ash presents no indication that he’s joking unless the punchline is his pants. Is this what she means by Ash knowing the right things to say? Because he’s at the front of my Douchepedia, under ‘Cult Leader for Vagina’.
Ash shares an apartment with his brother, but said brother doesn’t want Avery to stay there, because she might trip over Ash’s other girlfriends. This makes Avery reasonably suspicious, so she says the bed large enough for her to starfish is hers, and Ash can shove those two twin beds together and fuck the slot in between, until their spirits agree with their genitals. I’m really starting to like Avery. Ash is disappointed in this, but recovers immediately, because as a relationship coach he knows that women are all the same, and will fuck him eventually.
The long box he snagged from his favorite florist to have beers with contains long-stemmed black roses, which she loves because they remind her of how dead inside 90DF viewers are (so?), and he chases this with a fond token commemorating that time she ghosted him. Apparently he posted his-and-her ‘Avery Loves Ash’ bracelets on THE GRAM, and Avery thought that was so cringe that she grabbed Lisa’s InstaGrammie bear and screamed into its stomach. I’d have a similar reaction, but my concept of romance is my boyfriend rubbing a potato on my back to banish a lung disease, so yeah, I‘d better sit this one out. They talk about this, and how she wasn’t ready “accept his love,” but she’s seriously considering it now that she’s on a TV show.
Finally we meet MMmmMmmmmmMM David, the glorious human I’ve been eagerly anticipating since the first preview. David is on the brink of retiring after a successful tech career, and is RV shopping so he can travel the country with his kitty copilot, Mothra. He has to sell a lot of stuff to accommodate a nomadic existence, but intends to cling tightly to his collection of unicycles. Can this guy be my uncle? David, you’re my uncle now. Also, I’m setting you up with Yolanda, if I can recover her from Manchester, ASP.
The Ukrainian woman conning him is Lana, whom you might remember from the time she went by Maria, and they’ve been chatting online up to four hours a day for seven years. She’s stood him for every one of their in-person meetings, because like a lot of people on this show, emergencies and illnesses happen right before air travel. David explains that he’s had a Slavic-lady fetish since his prepubescent wanking to Boris and Natasha, and is okay with spending $100K talking to a fantasy online through an expensive translation site, because he doesn’t feel lonely, and that makes him think it’s a good investment. This might be the most honest answer in the history of this show.
He meets up with friends Dave and Victoria, who confirm David’s wealth by how they carry themselves and the way they express concern for his emotional well-being, but not his finances. Victoria is also Ukrainian, and met Dave on a dating site, but Victoria says that she paid for this herself, and that women over 25 still looking for a man in the Ukraine are hunting for suckers. David is not persuaded by this argument, and his bank account just doesn’t care, and I’m fully on board with David’s comfortable dismissal of logic and evidence.
The site and chat service he uses to communicate with Lana doesn’t allow video interaction unless he’s willing to surrender additional cash, at which point they’ll dust off Maria and have her smile and call him husband. He takes his laptop to a park to chat with her, and get the details of their upcoming meeting in Odessa. He asks how he’ll be able to identify her, and she says she’ll be wearing a blue dress, and hiding under her invisible train ticket. If David smells a rat he doesn’t much care, and is pleased when she sends him a devilish emoji, which he explains is code for THE SEX, a subject that often comes up when he wonders about train tickets. “And I responded MmmmMMmmMMM,” he narrates, and my favorite character since Jihoon has been Frankenstein’d to life.
Later he calls his friend Anya in Ukraine. He met her during his last round of perusing a Ukrainian wifey, and she was a little too shy for David, but they’ve remained good friends…and yet the reason he hasn’t met Lana is that she’s “too shy” for the airport? Okay then. Instead of seeing this as Cesar part 2, I’m going to craft a storyline where Anya is actually Lana, drawing David into a polyamory plot with her current husband. Instead, Anya think he’s naïve for thinking someone who refuses to meet with him after seven years is a solid romantic prospect, and our best bet is the potential for Anya to introduce him to a female friend in fleshy form.
In Yonkers, Stephanie arranges her dogs on her bed to call Erica and her lip injections. She confesses to Erica that she described her as a friend to her family, and Erica goes quiet but doesn’t question it. Erica reports Friday night plans to watch the football final, and Stephanie is jealous because she has no plans, except eating some cheese and watching a movie. This doesn’t inspire giggles or affirmation that this is a solid COVID-19 plan, and that bright light on the horizon is The Doom.
Later, Stephanie packs up, and shows her friend Heather the gifts she got Erica. Stephanie’s gift game is solid, and she reveals a pricey purse she scored that matches Erica’s style so well that I’ll refrain from predictable pumpkin spice commentary. Heather is concerned that Stephanie is all-in already, and Erica won’t be able to drop everything to accommodate Stephanie’s limited lifestyle. She suspects that Stephanie’s eagerness has to do with her mortality awareness, which is underscored by the pharmacy she’s cramming into a suitcase.
Once at the airport, Stephanie reveals that she’ll have to wear a mask to protect herself, and pulls out this sad, scratchy paper mask that she doesn’t really wear in the airport, or on the plane. I have questions, and want to send her a Vogmask as soon as they’re back in production so she can be on trend. Then she can look more like she got lost on the way to the rave, and less like a biohazard waiting to spill onto the runway.
Speaking of biohazards, Darcey, Stacey, and Raina all head to the spa, because that’s what the Kardashians would do. Darcey doesn’t know what the status of her relationship is, because Tom has expressed total indifference, but she hasn’t received any notarized paperwork in triplicate, so it’s all up in the air for Darcey. She calls Tom’s escort a “Darcey lookalike,” and oh honey, no. Instead of addressing the new hand-holster being paraded on THE GRAM directly, she lets all his messages go unanswered, because she needs that scene in New York to happen. Raina chimes in that this relationship is “fucking crazy” and something tells me she says that 30 times a day, and it usually has something to do with Darcey.
Next week Steph meets Erica, MayoMan asks for an STI test, a convicted felon pretends to not be collecting foreign-born spouses to beat, Yolanda wastes our time, Avery meets Ash’s strangely suspicious brother, who looks like a smoking hot villain, Lisa’s campaign of delusion reaches a music video apex, and David happily greets Anya at the airport (and we’re teased that this is Lana).
Thank you, generous Patreon supporters!
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Before the 90 Days of Our Lives Recap, episode 4

Prince Joffrey & Varya: Joffrey woke up all by his lonesome in his Russian hotel room, then met Varya in the lobby as his tour guide for the day. They toured the "Red Square" in Moscow, to which Joffey proclaimed that "We don't have anything like this in America!", because I guess he thought there would just be a Target and a Walgreens or something. They held hands, kissed, and Varya jumped up and down a lot. They were getting along so well, that Varya decided to give in to staying with Joffrey at the hotel that night. The next morning, Joffrey is looking all Quagmire and discussing their giggidty from the night before. This is where the star of the show comes onscreen..........the nipple tats. Are they bear claws using the nipple as the center? Are they wonky eyelashes that Darcey just can't seem to keep on? Are they a ray of a tribal sun orbiting the central areola? Did he get them in jail? Lost a bet? I can't look away, and can't stop thinking why he was so confident in unleashing these bad boys to an international audience. I mean the other tattoos were just horrible, but these were in a category of their own. I did not pay attention to the details of their conversation about visiting Varya's hometown, because Nipple Tats. I was hoping that he also had a tattoo of dolphins encircling his belly button, but no such luck. Ok, I'll move on..... While Varya was blow drying her hair for 3 1/2 years with one of those crappy hotel hair dryers, she got very jealous over seeing another woman's name "engraved" on Joffrey's comb. (Note to Varya, Joffrey was not married to "Sally Beauty Supply", they just stamp that on all of the combs in the factory in China. Your psycho is showing). Maybe they're well matched after all! I mean if a comb bothers you but the nipple tats left you unphased...... The couple heads to Varya's hometown so Joffrey can see how she lives. Varya owns her apartment, which reminded Joffrey of his nipple tats. I mean, his time in prison. Between the exposed wiring and lack of a sink, she seems to be living in a Fixer Upper before demo day. Joffrey starts getting suspicious that Varya has an ultimate goal of coming to the U.S., being that she's living in shambles without any urgency in completing her project house, and thinks she's banking on moving to America with him eventhough they've only been online dating for 3 months. He's feeling very skeptical, as they unfold the leopard pull out couch to go to bed. Nipple tats.
BGL & Assman: Ok, sometimes to do these recaps I have to watch an episode or segment up to 3 times to actually pay attention. All I'm going to say, is I better start getting paid, because it's going to cost a lot in therapy to forget about the things from this week. That being said..... This week opened with BGL and Assman's first morning together as a solidified couple in Nigeria. Their "pillow talk" consisted of Usman being tired, and Babylove calling him lazy. BGL explains that Assman was inexperienced in the realm of oral passion, and she had to teach him the ways. This is when I went into Usman's home bathroom to retrieve the third bucket reserved for vomit...... Sojaboy-toy described their love-making as "70% good, and that's good enough" (Between him and Azan I'm trying to figure out why men from Africa describe things in percentages). And if all of this wasn't enough, BGL has to reiterate her "no condom use" theme by taking a few useless packs of condoms given to her by her friends out of her dusty beat up suitcase,(no judgement there, mine is always covered in dog hair), while the camera panned over her sanitary napkin and mullet dress. She brought up the condomless evening to Sojaboy, who agreed it was a wild time. Next stop on the vomit train was a Nigerian breakfast with the new Goofballs, which consisted of miscellaneous meat, fish, spaghetti, and pancakes. They discuss meeting Sojamom and the difficulties they may have in getting her blessings for marriage. Apparently mother Assman thinks this evil older white lady is bringing her son to the U.S. as a slave, when in reality, she's just trying to have him live in her house, boss him around, make him go "downtown", and take over his music "career". She's way off! BGL ignores the warnings of the Newfballs (my new name for the new goofballs), and is angry that Assman isn't fighting against all odds for their 70% good love. The couple is accompanied by the Newfballs on their way to Kaduna to experience a day in the life of Superstar Sojaboy. BGL is packing up her dusty bags, and heading out of the hotel like Miss America with her flower bouquet and teddybear. Meanwhile, Assman's cell phone is blowing up, and babygirl Lisa is suspicious, as she should be (Yolanda keeps calling to see where he is!). She arrives at the house, thinking it's going to be something out of MTV Cribs, and is shocked to see the tight knit sleeping arrangements, poop buckets, and wobbly toilets. (My new favorite detail was that the wobbly toilet had a fuzzy decorative toilet seat cover? I bet girly Usman put that on there). Sojaboy confessed to his squad that he can already tell BGL is more difficult in person than he expected. He seems apprehensive to introduce her to the music industry bigwigs of Kaduna in next week's episode, though I personally can not wait.
Big Egg & Rosemarie's Baby: The cab lands at the hotel in Manila where Ed and Rosemarie will be spending their first night together. Rosemarie has never had a slumber party, and forgot her pajamas. While Ed was in the bathroom possibly doing a mayo treatment, Rose was pulling the covers up so she just looked like the girl from "the Grudge", and pretending she was "fake sleeping" worse than a toddler. Ed was under the impression they would stay up hanging out, watching t.v. and talking, but Rose was fake exhausted from faking understanding Ed's jokes all day, so the King and Queen went to bed. The next morning they woke up and Ed hand fed Rose cornflakes from their room service like she was a goat at the petting zoo. Rose complained that Ed blasted the A.C. at night, which is a fight I can relate to. They stepped out of the hotel with Ed's neon sneakers and hit the streets of Manila for some shopping. Big Egg turned into an omelette from the heat within the first 30 minutes, leaking Hollandaise stains all over his shirt. Rose was grabbing money from Ed's wallet and giving away his change, causing Eggie to have a literal meltdown. I still at this juncture really like Ed and look forward to next week, when he pulls a Paul and asks Rose to take an STD test.
Avery & Ashtray: It's the big day- Avery has landed in Melbourne and is meeting Ashole for the very first time. They seemed to be genuinely happy and compatible at the airport, though JackAsh's eyes were wild like he just snorted something. The Zoolander caliber couple set off on the wrong side of the road, holding each other's well-moisturized hands to head to their Air Bnb. Avery claims she wants to stay in different bedrooms so their spirits can connect first, though she loved her black funeral roses from Ashtray's shady florist. Ashole is obviously a narcissist and it seems like every time he talks about Avery, he only mentions how much she loves him. Cant wait to see them pee in the ocean. together....
David & the 1992 Ladies of Ukraine Calendar: I, for one, have been excited to meet David, a 60 year old man from Las Vegas with fabulous 1980s dad hair. His ambitions include traveling the country in an RV, and randomly selling vintage unicycles on the black market out of his garage while demonstrating his sweet cycling skills set to French music (how did this even come up? Do you think production asked him to write down 10 of the most random things about himself and riding a unicycle was one of them??). Also amidst the randomness and a guiding factor for his dating life, was his childhood obsession with Boris and Natasha. Something about that Vampire voice and flat head really does it for him. He has been in a virtual relationship for 7 years with his 27 year old Ukranian beauty, Lana, who he only communicates with over a very expensive paid chat site. Nothing fishy here! (Sidenote: I do a great Natasha impression and will chat for $1.50/minute, if you're listening Dave!). Dave's friends voiced their concern that this woman is taking advantage of him, but it just falls on dead ears. (Every couple on the show has to have at least one intervention with friends). We got to accompany Dave and Lana on a virtual picnic at a local park, where Lana sent several intriguing emojis in regards to their upcoming meeting. He then reveals that they have "intimate" chats, with even sexier emojis, which cost much more than my offer. Dave also has a video chat with Anya, a former Ukrainian fling, who he now considers a close friend. She is skeptical that Lana will not show, seeing as how she has stood Dave up the last 3 times he went to the Ukraine. Seems like he has a few ladies in his Ukrainian stable, and if the 4th time isn't a charm, he can always chit chat with Maria (or Natalie, if he's into Fatal Attraction). Let's hope Dave can soon trade in his unicycle for a bicycle built for two.
Stephanie & Erika not Shmerika: S & E are excitedly chatting about the upcoming visit to the land of Oz, while her adorable pug looked on. Erika hopes Stephanie gets along well with her friends while in town, and has a bunch of fun things planned. Stephanie packed up some cute outfits along with lots of antibiotics in preparation for her trip. Nothing crazy to report yet again, but I'm hoping there are koalas in her future.
Darcey, just Darcey: Darcey, Stacey, and their friend are relaxing at a spa, day drinking fancy mimosas, and rehashing delusions. There seem to be so many pointless episodes leading up to the pointless meeting of Darcey and Tom, who are not even dating. I'd rather watch her run on the treadmill again for like 10 minutes. Its pretty amazing that most of the couples on the show have to save up and get the chance to meet their significant other, and then men Darcey isn't even dating fly in just to say they're done but appreciate her. Anyway, I'm guessing this episode was about mimosas, and "Girl Power". You know they just want Darcey on to poke fun at her. They may as well dissolve the relationship storyline and film her at the DMV, or a PTA meeting, or on the phone with AT&T. All would be more interesting than what is currently happening.
Missing this week was Yolander, who looks like she'll be returning next week. Missing permanently is William's, who doesnt exist.
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ANTM - Where Are They Now? (Cycle 3)

Hi guys! Here are the girls from Cycle 3. If you guys know any of the missing girls’ social media handles, please let me know so I can add it to this post!
 
  Name: Magdalena Rivas Placed: 14th Age: 36/37 (Estimate only; birthday isn’t online) First Call Outs: 0 Bottom 2: 0 (eliminated outside of panel) Twitter Followers: N/A Instagram Followers: 412 (@magdarivas) Magdalena Rivas on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 3 Joining America’s Next Top Model Cycle 3 did not necessarily put Rivas’ modeling career into high gear as she was the first one eliminated from the 14 finalists. She did get a little taste of what professional models go through everyday when they were flown from New York to Jamaica to do their very first photo shoot. She was eliminated on the spot, the morning after the photo shoot.
  POST-TOP MODEL Magdalena has kept a low profile since the show. She’s done some modeling work, but is not currently being represented by an agency. Magdalena has done print work for Vibe Magazine, ELLEGirl, and The Lab Uptown. She currently (according to her facebook) works for Children’s Health, a Nonprofit Organization based in Dallas, Texas. She has 2 beautiful girls, Nyla and Fiona.
  Name: Leah Darrow Placed: 13th Age: 36/37 (Estimate only; birthday isn’t online) First Call Outs: 0 Bottom 2: 1 Twitter Followers: 23.7k (@leahdarrow) Instagram Followers: 27.3k (@leah.darrow) Leah Darrow on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 3 Although it’s clear that Leah possesses the physical attributes of a model, she was the second to be cut on America’s Next Top Model on Cycle 3. Her removal from the show was brought upon by Leah’s plain and unimpressive photo shoot. The photographer remarked that Leah did not make eye contact with the camera and Tyra Banks commented that she did not position herself well in the pictures. After being eliminated, she walked away from the room without bidding the others farewell, but vowed to keep on pursuing her dream to become a professional model.
  POST-TOP MODEL After appearing on the show, Leah appeared in FHM Magazine. Since then, she is now an advocate for the Roman Catholic Church and Catholic modeling, doing print work for publications for The St. Louis Review, The Catholic Weekly, Lighthouse Catholic Media, YFE.org, as well as the cover and a spread in Family Foundation Magazine. Some of Leah’s speeches cover topics such as modesty, chastity, the pro-life message (including the death penalty), “catholic” fashion, conversion from sin, and living your life for Christ.
  Since the show, Leah has a regular podcast entitled Do Something Beautiful (now on it’s fourth season) where she regularly discusses a variety of topics. She has also come out with her own book, The Other Side of Beauty, based on the lies we are told about our worth being tied to our appearance and instead invites us to look again at the real meaning of beauty. She has also appeared in TV series such as The Journey Home and Beloved. In 2012, she married her boyfriend Ricky, who serves in the US Military. Leah has 3 beautiful children: Agnes (born 2013), Ambrose (born 2015), and Violet (born 2016). In May 2017, Leah graduated with Magna cum Laude honors with her Masters in Theology from the Augustine Institute.
  Name: Julie Titus Placed: 12th Age: 31/32 (Estimate only; birthday isn’t online) First Call Outs: 0 Bottom 2: 1 Twitter Followers: 214 (@JustifiedJulie) Instagram Followers: 632 (@ninewestjewel) Julie Titus on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 3 Julie seemed to have a promising start, but during the third photo shoot in America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 3, her performance fell short of being excellent to the judges. Furthermore, at the panel, Julie admitted that the reason why she joined the show was to gain more exposure as a clothes designer rather than a model. The revelation ultimately led to her elimination.
  POST-TOP MODEL Julie is another one of those girls has kept a low profile since the show. She doesn’t have a big online foot print, except for her twitter and her instagram. She has done print work for Republic of Brown, and has appeared the Ray Billion Look Book. Sometime after the show, she worked as a North American sales manager for the Thursday Island clothing line. She has also mentored models for The Model Experience. In July 2015 (I think), she married her boyfriend, Bill Clifford, in California.
  Name: Kristi Grommet Placed: 11th Age: 31/32 (Estimate only; birthday isn’t online) First Call Outs: 0 Bottom 2: 1 Twitter Followers: N/A Instagram Followers: N/A Kristi Grommet on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 3 Kristi was memorable for coming into initial auditions wearing her senior prom dress, which was made from an American Flag. The fourth week in America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 3 had the models posing for Lee Jeans ads with hair extensions braided into their hair. Kristi Grommet may have had the looks and the body, but her lack of confidence during the challenge was what made Tyra and her fellow judges cut Kristi from the competition.
  POST-TOP MODEL After her stint on America’s Next Top Model, Kristi went on to model for In Touch Magazine, where she portrayed Miranda from the HBO series Sex and the City. She has done some test shots, but hasn’t really pursued modelling. In 2014, she directed a freshman/sophomore production of Arabian Nights. She is not currently represented by an agency. She doesn’t have a big footprint on the internet, since there was very little about her online. In 2006, her boyfriend Gunther proposed to her in Times Square in New York City. She currently has 2 sons and 1 daughter. Aside from that, not much is known about what she’s up to these days.
  Name: Jennipher Uralcher, née Frost Placed: 10th Age: 35 First Call Outs: 0 Bottom 2: 2 Twitter Followers: 1,420 (@Jennipherfrost) Instagram Followers: 945 (@j.urlacher) Jennipher Frost on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 3 Her time on America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 3 didn’t last very long as she was the fourth contestant eliminated by the judges. During her short stay in the competition, Jennipher frequently had confrontations with Eva Pigford because of the latter’s attitude. She also did not mix well with Ann Markley, with whom she almost engaged in a fight. Part of the makeover that Jennipher received from the show was a haircut, which she did not enjoy, as she was even seen crying after the hairstylist gave her a shoulder-length hairstyle. The fifth challenge for the season was to pose with roller skates on for a Dooney & Bourke accessories ad. The photos that were taken of her did not impress the judges at all, cutting her journey to the top short.
  POST-TOP MODEL Jennipher has done some print work, but is currently not represented by an agency. She had modeled for Magic Power Boats, Sex Symbol Jeans, Hot Boat, and Fiu Fiu. Sometime after the show, Jennipher became the food and beverage director of the SLS Beverly Hills. In 2012, Jennipher was the marketing manager at Andrea's in Las Vegas. On March 2016, Jennipher married Brian Urlacher, a former NFL linebacker. Their wedding was featured on the cover of Sports Entertainment Today. She is a step-mom to 3 children (from Brian’s former relationship): 2 daughters (Pam and Riley) and a son (Kennedy). Aside from this, not much is known regarding what else she does.
  Name: Kelle Jacob Placed: 9th Age: 32/33 (Estimate only; birthday isn’t online) First Call Outs: 0 Bottom 2: 3 Twitter Followers: 190 (@KelleJ) Instagram Followers: 682 (@kellejacob) Kelle Jacob on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 3 Kelle was sent to the bottom two with Ann Markley during the sixth week of America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 3. Although Tyra criticized them both for not bringing their great personalities into their pictures, the judges decided to take out Kelle, believing that she had less potential as a model. After being eliminated, Kelle remarked that she’ll try hard to build her career on her own, but did not seem overly optimistic. During the show, she won one challenge where the girls had to pose as mannequins in a La Perla store window.
  POST-TOP MODEL After her appearance on the show, Kelle Jacob was in Source Magazine and had a cover of Eminence Magazine. Kelle has modeled for designers and brands such as College Fashionista. After the show, she attended Hunter College in NYC where she pursued her bachelor’s degree in media (with a minor in english). She has been featured in a series of documentaries about undecided voters in the 2008 presidential democrat primaries for the NY Times. She is currently not represented by an agency. She is currently a member of the Global Marketing and Millennial Innovation Team at Estée Lauder.
  Name: Cassie James, née Grisham (Bottom left) Placed: 8th Age: 31/32 (Estimate only; birthday isn’t online) First Call Outs: 1 Bottom 2: 1 Twitter Followers: N/A Instagram Followers: 7 (@cassiegjames) Cassie Grisham on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 3 On America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 3, it was revealed that Cassie was suffering from bulimia. Tyra offered to give her counseling, but she refused it, choosing to deal with the condition on her own. However, it was not Cassie’s condition that made her the sixth person to be eliminated from the competition. Rather it was the lack of “fierceness” in her photos and her apparent disinterest that drove the judges to send Cassie home.
  POST-TOP MODEL Since the show, Cassie has graduated college in Oklahoma and has done some modeling work including a bridal shot. She was married in February of 2009.Not much else is known about Cassie after Top Model. She has no twitter, her instagram is private and most likely unused, and her fan page on facebook hasn’t been updated in years. Luckily, I found her husband’s facebook and it looks like the couple has 2 children, a boy and a girl.
  Name: Toccara Jones Placed: 7th Age: 36 First Call Outs: 1 Bottom 2: 2 Twitter Followers:124k (@iamTOCCARA) Instagram Followers: 139k (@iamtoccarajones) Toccara Jones on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 3 She was the twelfth finalist selected for Cycle 3, she won "Covergirl of the Week" four consecutive times though was never placed above fourth and was the eighth contestant eliminated. She was voted as one of the most memorable contestants by AOL Entertainment.
  POST-TOP MODEL She has been on the covers of Be, Essence, The Next Level Magazine (November 2005), Black Men Magazine, Black Hair Magazine, Braids & Beauty Magazine, King Magazine (February/March 2006, March/April 2006, and May 2008), Queen Sized Magazine, the October 2011 issue of Plus Model Magazine, Evolve Magazine, Rolling Out Magazine, and Sheen Magazine. She also appeared in the December 2008 issue of Ebony Magazine, Jet Magazine, Fashizblack Magazine, Kontrol Magazine, PrimeTyme Magazine, and HypeHair Magazine. She was photographed by Steven Meisel for the July 2008, All black issue of Vogue Italia and had a 14-page spread in the Magazine. The “Black Issue” featured significant past and current black models in response to the “black out” of black models preventing them from getting hired for print and runway jobs.
  Toccara has modeled for Ashley Stewart, Star Collection, Avon, Torrid, New York and Company, JCPenny, Target, Essence Magazine, Vibe Magazine, Lady Hennessey, Traci Lynn Jewelry, Evans, Qristyl Frazier Designs, The First Impression Collection, Ashley Stewart's Urban Chic Collection Fall 2010, and Smooth Magazine. Her runway shows include Hot 97’s Third Annual Full Frontal Hip hop Fashion Show, Luxe & Romance Fall 2005, BET Presents: Rip The Runway 2, Elle Girl presents Dare To Be You: Wal-Mart Meets America’s Next Top Models 2005 and Alice & Olivia Fall 2006. She was also selected to be part of the 2007 Rocawear “I Will Not Lose” campaign, representing the Rocawear plus-size line for full-figured females.
  Like other ANTM alum, Toccara has ventured into both hosting and acting. She has co-hosted an episode of 106 & Park. She was a correspondent for The Black Carpet and a co-host on the game show Take the Cake, both for the BET network. In 2006, Jones appeared in another reality show for VH1, Celebrity Paranormal Project. In 2008, Jones was a competitor on the second season of the VH1 series Celebrity Fit Club. Jones later appeared on Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp, which pitted celebrities from past seasons up against new celebrities. She ended the show weighing in at 166 pounds, surpassing her weight-loss goal by 7 pounds. She has released her own workout DVD called Toccara's Fabulous Work-Out for Real Size Women. In 2011, Jones starred in the second season of the reality series The Ultimate Merger. She made an appearance in Trina's music video for the song "I Got a Thang for You". She participated in a 2009 national tour of The Vagina Monologues with an all-black cast. She also made an appearance in the 2012 movie Think Like A Man. Recently, Toccara has just launched her new lingerie line, Toccara Jones Intimate Apparel.
  Name: Nicole Borud Placed: 6th Age: 33/34 (Estimate only; birthday isn’t online) First Call Outs: 1 Bottom 2: 1 Twitter Followers: 134 (@EcoBunny) Instagram Followers: 363 (@elocinjay) Nicole Borud on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 3 For the ninth week of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 3, the remaining girls, including Nicole, were flown to Tokyo in order to shoot a Japanese commercial for Campbell’s Soup. Although all the girls had a difficult time, most especially with learning their lines (which were in Japanese), it was Nicole whom the judges felt did not come through the commercial enough, thus making her the eight contestant to be sent home.
  POST-TOP MODEL Some time after being eliminated from the show, Nicole decided to relocate to San Clemente, California. Nicole did not pursue modeling; instead, she has pursued acting. However, I haven’t found anything from her (acting or modeling wise). Her instagram, which is her most active social media platform, doesn’t show us much about her. Her feed has a lot of selfies, her dog, and some of her other interests. It seems she has moved back home to North Dakota. A quick LinkedIn search shows that she works as an Assistant Manager for The Buckle Inc. Previous job experiences post-ANTM show that she worked for Victoria’s Secret as a Visual Merchandising Manager and Sears as Assistant Manager - Softlines.
  Name: Norelle Griffith, née Van Herk Placed: 5th Age: 33 (Estimate only; birthday isn’t online) First Call Outs: 0 Bottom 2: 1 Twitter Followers: 36 (@NorelleGriffith) Instagram Followers: 509 (@norelle_griffith) Norelle Van Herk on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 3 As a finalist on America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 3, Norelle was the only competitor among the fourteen girls who came into the competition with braces on her teeth. Her braces were removed as a part of her makeover for the show. Although her overall performance was impressive, her blunders in the Tokyo photo shoot and her difficulty walking on the runway were what compelled the judges to make Norelle the ninth contestant to be eliminated. Her photo shoot for T-Mobile went well, but was not well enough to keep her on the show for another week. During her stint on ANTM, Norelle won a make-up challenge featured during the show’s third episode.
  POST-TOP MODEL Norelle was able to attain considerable success as a model after her appearance on America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 3. She received contracts from NOUS models and Dream Models in Asia, and working with these agencies were beneficial as she was able to book numerous advertisements. She has done print work for Sisters Magazine, Yes! Magazine, Sudden Weekly, and Goat Boutique. Norelle has also appeared on the TV show One on One. However, Norelle eventually decided to leave the fashion industry temporarily in order to pursue her education.
  Sometime after the show, Norelle got married to Dave Griffith and now has 2 beautiful kids; 2 sons and a daughter. Not much is know about what happened to her after she left the industry.
  Name: Ann Branca, née Markley Placed: 4th Age:34 First Call Outs: 1 Bottom 2: 4 Twitter Followers: 995 (@annalainamarks) Instagram Followers: 11.8k (@annalainamarks) Ann Markley on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 3 Ann came close to making it to the Top 3 of America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 3, but was the tenth contestant eliminated from the show. During her stay in the competition, her athletic build prompted supermodel judge Janice Dickinson to bless her with the nickname, “Ann, The Man.” The judges finally gave in to Ann’s inability to produce strong and impressive photographs after the tenth photo shoot, despite Ann’s consistently strong performances on the runway.
  POST-TOP MODEL After her appearance on the show, Ann became highly successful as a model in the fashion industry. Going by the name Annalaina Marks, she was able to get a contract from three divisions of Elite Model Management, one of which is in Milan.
  She also obtained a contract from MC2, and has done extensive modeling work for Cover, Ford Fusion, ElleGirl Magazine, Gioia Magazine, Joie, Rojas, Heatherette, Nuala, ShopCaravan.com, Glamour Italia Magazine, the October and November 2005 editions of GQ Magazine, Accessories Magazine, Knit ‘N Style, First Magazine, Fashion Washington, Eyecare Business, Manhattan Bride, InStyle, Health Magazine, Marie Claire U.K., Shape Magazine, O: The Oprah Magazine, I Am Water Polo, Charleston Magazine, Fitness Magazine, Women’s Health, Burt’s Bees, Clairol, Beyond Beyond Magazine, Jay Manuel Beauty, Charleston Weddings, Rafaella Fit Your Shape campaign, Vogue Knitting, Pregnancy & Newborn Magazine, Walgreens, Bravado Designs, Target, L’Oreal, Dutch Cosmopolitan Magazine, Free People Magazine, Ray Ban, People Tree, Jimmy Bruch, The John Frieda Collection, Athleta, Champion, Miraclebody, Jones New York, Red Hearts Yarn, Adrianna Papell, LIJA Style, Spring 2014 Collection, Land's End Holiday 2014 Catalogue, Thyme Maternity, Target Maternity, Old Navy Maternity, Capezio 2014 catalogue, Sophia Tolli 2011 Bridal Collection, Lafayette 148 New York, SiO Beauty, KN Karen Neuburger, Lord & Taylor, and Zink Magazine.
  Moreover, Ann has graced the covers of Philadelphia Style Magazine and Washington, D.C. Style Magazine, and has walked the runway at Ellegirl presents Dare To Be You: Wal-Mart Meets America’s Next Top Models 2005, Alice and Olivia Fall 2006, Kara Saun Fall/Winter 2005, Richard TyleDelta Fall/Winter 2005, Harmon Fall/Winter 2005, Marc Bouwer Fall/Winter 2005, Cynthia Rowley Fall/Winter 2005, and Nicole Miller Fall/Winter 2005. During The 57th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards, Ann and America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 4 winner, Naima Mora, worked as the ceremony’s trophy girls.
  Since the show, Ann graced the cover of Bruce J. Nadler, M.D.’s novel, “The Nip Tuck Workout: Exercise through the Eyes of a Plastic Surgeon.” Like other ANTM alumni, Ann has branched into acting. Throughout the years, Ann has appeared in a number of acting projects including Project Runway, Sex, Love & Secrets, Made of Honor, Gossip Girl, Kings, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, Bang, Choose, Lights Out, Blue Bloods, The Courier, Person of Interest, The Ones You Love, Delusions of Guinevere, The Good Wife, Club Life, and The Breaks.Ann has also appeared in a commercial for Wheat Thins and Travelocity. In 2016, she appeared in a short for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
  Ann has previously worked with Elite (New York), Elite Milano, Front Management (Miami), Images Management (New York), Model Management (Hamburg), and MC2 Model Management (Karin Models). Currently, Ann is signed with Wilhelmina New York (S Women’s Division), Wilhelmina Los Angeles (Women’s Division), Wilhelmina Miami (Fashion Women’s Division), Michael Howard Studios, and Nevs Model Agency (London) (Women Main Board).
  Ann got married in February 2013. Sometime in 2016, Ann gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.
  Name: Amanda Swafford Placed: 3rd Age: 39 First Call Outs: 4 Bottom 2: 1 Twitter Followers: 3 (@amanda_swafford) Instagram Followers: 2953 (@amandaswafford) Amanda Swafford on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 3 During Cycle 3, the judges were amazed by her photos, especially the un-retouched beauty shot that she took during the third week of the competition. When she went on her go sees in Japan, she was told that she was too old by one of the designers. She participated in the finale along with winner Eva Pigford and Yaya Da Costa, but Amanda was eliminated when she and Eva were in the bottom 2. The judges had a difficult time deciding whom to send home, as all three contestants had strong CoverGirl photos, and all 3 were considered strong contenders, but in the end, it was Amanda. One of the judges, Janice Dickinson, was a dissenting voice on the judging panel, saying, “I love you!” to Swafford when she was eliminated.
  POST-TOP MODEL Amanda has appeared on the covers of Felt It! Stitch It! Fabulous! Magazine, Bliss for Bride Magazine, and Access Magazine, and has modeled for Levi’s Jeans, Lacy Little Knits, The Austin Chronicle, Verve Magazine, ELLEmemoir, Shutterbug Magazine, Grove Arcade, Recyclone Designs, Royal Peasantry, Serenity + Scott 2013, The Beading Butterfly, Liz White Designs/Custom Couture, Serenity + Scott Spring 2015 collection, and WEBS. Amanda has walked the runway for ELLEgirl Presents: Dare To Be You. She has also appeared in shorts such as Worst-Case Scenario (which she co-wrote) and Lullaby.
  Since the show, Amanda has signed with Storm Model Management in New York City and Acclaim Talent Agency. Her FMD page lists Storm Models London as her current agency. According to a close friend, her retinitis pigmentosa has caused extreme difficulty to see in low lighting, contrary rumors that she has since gone completely blind. Amanda currently works as an aesthetic/style guru for Royal Peasantry. On the show, she was married but has since separate from the man. She has a son, Eli (who is a current high school freshman), with her previous husband. She is currently in a relationship with a new man. In October 25, she came out on her facebook to say she was drugged the night before, while she was attending one of her husband’s show.
  Name: Yaya DaCosta Placed: 2nd Age: 34 (will turn 35 on Nov 15th) First Call Outs: 2 Bottom 2: 1 Twitter Followers: 29.8k (@yayadacosta) Instagram Followers: 172k (@yayadacosta) Yaya DaCosta on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 3 Yaya DaCosta was a contestant on Cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model, where she came in second to Eva Pigford. On the show, Yaya showed insecurity regarding her skin, as she was still experiencing breakouts past puberty. While on the show, Yaya won 5 straight challenges (The race up the flight of stairs, the Go-Sees, The Red Carpet interview, The Acting challenge, and The Tea Ceremony. On the eigth episode (“The Girl Who Is Panic-Stricken”), the models were asked to choose a hat as part of their judging test. Yaya chose the cowboy hat, which surprised everyone since Yaya was the model who was proud of her african heritage. When asked why she did not choose the African hat, she claimed that she does not want to be a cliché. She claimed that the hat was made of a very artificial, very cheap kente. During the ninth episode (“The Girls Meet Taye Diggs”), during the judging session, the girls were set a test in which they had to read a commercial and eat umeboshi. Yaya chose to spit her umeboshi almost immediately after putting it in her mouth, which the judges said came across as very disrespectful to the client (if this were to happen in the real world).
  POST-TOP MODEL After finishing in second place in America’s Next Top Model, where she is considered one of the most memorable contestants, DaCosta went on to a successful career. She has modeled for Target, Olay, CharmaineLouise, DJU Clothing Company, Venus Clothing, Gap, Tom Ford’s A/W 2014 Collection, Isaac Mizrahi, Kohl’s, Seven Magazine, Interview Magazine, Essence Magazine, Hollywood Life Magazine, Jewel Magazine, COED Magazine, I Style Magazine, Elle Girl Presents Dare To Be You: Wal-Mart Meets America’s Next Top Model, Marc Bouwer Fall 2005, Seda, Garnier Fructis, Lincoln Townhouse, Glamour Magazine, Glamour Magazine Italy, Radioshack, Dr. Scholl’s, Sally Beauty Supply Magazine, Vibe Magazine, Venus, Terrazine Magazine, Voice of Diversity, The New York Post, Style Rocks Fashion Show (2005), Vogue Australia, Hype Hair Magazine, Chicago Sun-Times Splash, New York Magazine, Malibu Magazine, and Sephora. In 2010, she appeared in American Vogue, Esquire, L'Officiel and on the cover of W.
  In addition to modeling, Yaya is also acting and has in appeared in commercials for Radioshack and Garnier Fructis. She recently appeared in the movie Take the Lead with Antonio Banderas. She has also did modeling for Target and appeared in a few rap music videos (Chingy’s Pullin’ Me Back, Jay-Z’s Roc Boys, Raphael Saadiq’s Good Man.
  DaCosta began acting in 2005 after having a small role in an episode of Eve where she portrayed a character named Miss Jenkins. Her television credits include Cassandra Foster on All My Children, Vanessa on Racing For Time, Nico Slater on Ugly Betty, Audrina on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Brooke Sullivan on Mercy, Amber on Army Wives, Holly Bennett on Body of Proof, Anita on House, Amy on Dark Horse, Princess Kemi of Nigeria on The Simpsons, and currently as April Sexton on Chicago Fire and Chicago Med. DaCosta exited the role on All My Children some time in August 2008, less than four months after joining the show, to join the cast of “The First Breeze of Summer” on Broadway.
  2006 saw Yaya’s film debut in the film Take the Lead as LaRhette. She has also appeared in 2007’s Honeydripper as China Doll and in 2009’s Messenger as Monica Washington. In 2010 DaCosta had supporting roles in the films The Kids Are All Right (as Tanya) and Tron: Legacy (as Siren). In 2013 she also appeared as Carol in the film The Butler, starring Forest Whitaker and Oprah Winfrey. Other movie credits include In Time, The Shanghai Hotel, Whole Lotta Sole, Mother of George, Big Words, And So It Goes, Bolden!, and The Nice Guys. In 2015, Yaya portrayed Whitney Houston in the self titled Biopic Whitney, directed by Angela Bassett.
  She is currently signed to Models 1 London and Ford Models New York. On June 26, 2012, DaCosta married independent movie producer and director Joshua Bee Alafia. She gave birth to the couple's first child, a son named Sankara, in September 2013. The couple parted ways in 2014.
  Name: Eva Marcille Placed: 1st Age: 33 First Call Outs: 2 Bottom 2: 2 Twitter Followers: 259k (@EvaMarcille) Instagram Followers: 1.7m (@evamarcille) Eva Marcille on IMDB
  ANTM CYCLE 3 Eva was the winner of the third cycle of America's Next Top Model, beating fellow contestants Yaya Da Costa and Amanda Swafford. Her prizes included a CoverGirl cosmetics contract, a spread in Elle, and a modeling contract with Ford Models. During the show, Eva won 2 challenges: The Heatherette runway show and the go-sees in Japan.
  POST-TOP MODEL Eva has appeared on the cover of Brides Noir, Women’s Health and Fitness (May 2005), King Magazine (June 2005), IONA (November 2005), Green Magazine, Obvious Magazine, Urban Lux Magazine, Kontrol Magazine, Sheen Magazine, HypeHair Magazine, and Essence Magazine. Her other modeling credits include CoverGirl, DKNY, Samsung, Red by Marc Ecko, Jewel magazine, In Touch Weekly magazine (June 2005), King magazine (November 2005), Black Girls Rule!, Vibe Vixen, Magazine, Today’s Black Woman Magazine, Magazine, UNleashed magazine, Star Magazine, Elle, Elle Girl, ForTrayvon.org, Danskin, Active Imprints, Traci Lynn Jewelry, Koshie O Clothing, Ciroc Vodka, Phlaunt Hair, Applebottoms,Jasmine Ni'Cole Luxury Perucas, Shiekh Shoes, Lerner Catalog, UrbanSkinRx, Avon, and Rolling Out.
  Eva’s runway shows include the Marc Bouwer Fall 2005, Elle Girl presents Dare To Be You: Wal-Mart Meets America’s Next Top Model 2005, Gharani Strok Fall 2005, Deborah Lindquist Spring 2006, Naqada Spring 2006, 8th Annual ‘Models of Perfection’ Show 2006, and L.A. Fashion Week’s Monarchy Collection Fall 2007.
  Marcille has guest-starred on several series on UPN and The CW Network. Her guest-star credits include two episodes of Kevin Hill, one episode of Smallville, one episode of Everybody Hates Chris, and one episode of The Game as herself. Marcille has also appeared on Tyler Perry's House of Payne. In addition, Marcille hosted BET J's reality show My Model Looks Better Than Your Model, as well as Rip the Runway on BET. In 2005, Marcille appeared in a first-season episode of the MTV improv show Nick Cannon Presents Wild 'N Out. In 2008 she joined the cast of The Young and the Restless as a young mother named Tyra Hamilton. After a few months, her character, who was planned to be temporary was made permanent. She appeared in a June 2009 episode of the BET prank show Played by Fame, where contestants have nightmarish dates with celebrities. She also appeared on The Assistants as Alicia James. In 2010, Eva hosted the first season of the Oxygen reality series Hair Battle Spectacular. In 2011, Eva joined the cast of the tv series Let’s Stay Together. 2013 saw Eva’s appearance on the reality show Real Husbands of Hollywood. In 2014, Eva has also appeared on For the Love of Lockwood and FNL’s Model Monday. In 2015, Marcille starred as Tara on the tv series Born Again Virgin, appeared on tv mini series For the Love of Lockwood Too. In February 2016 she stars in a reality series called About The Business. Currently, she is competing on the VH1’s Scared Famous and on the tv series Hip Hop Squares.
  Eva’s film credits include 24 Hour Love, The Walk, Crossover, The Boys and Girls Guide to Getting Down, Premium, Note To Self, If You Really Love Me, The Fright Night Files, Fear Files, Sister Code, and I Think I Love My Wife. In 2017, Eva also appeared in Busted and Miss Me This Christmas. Furthermore, she has appeared in several music videos, including "Baby" by Angie Stone (featuring Betty Wright), 50 Cent's "I Get Money" and Jamie Foxx's "DJ Play a Love Song". She is also mentioned in Lil' Kim's song, "I Know You See Me" and Missy Elliott's "On & On".In August 2013, Marcille appeared in the video clip "J'accélère (I accelerate)" by French rapper Rohff.
  Eva has been signed to L.A. Models, Uber-Warning Models, and now Slamm Management - Atlanta. She started her own eyewear company, First Ave Eyewear. In July 2006, Marcille started dating Tyler Perry's House of Payne star Lance Gross. They got engaged on December 24, 2008 and split up in March 2010. She also dated rapper Flo Rida from 2010 to 2012. Since January 2013, she has been dating singer-songwriter Kevin McCall. Marcille gave birth to her first child, and McCall's second daughter; Marley Rae McCall on January 31, 2014. They ended their relationship in early 2015.
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Weekly Roundup | Random Chat | Notifications

News roundup for the previous week.
In International news
  1. Duterte named 2016 ‘Person of the Year’ by Chinese magazine: The president is hailed as the 2016 ‘Person of the Year’ by the prestigious Hong Kong international affairs newsweekly , Yazhou Zhoukan
  2. Chinese state tabloid warns Trump, end one China policy and China will take revenge
  3. Chinese companies to build world's tallest twin towers in Cambodia: The twin towers will be 560 meters high with 133 floors. The project will include commercial areas, offices, residential areas, exhibition halls, hotels, as well as a 4-floor underground parking lot
  4. Against China’s objections, Ted Cruz and Texas governor meet with Taiwanese president
  5. Pakistan has officially begun construction of a missile warship that the country hopes will guarantee the integrity of its vital trade corridor with China
  6. Cruz meeting with Taiwan president has 'no bearing' on U.S. China policy: White House
  7. Ex-Tibetan Exile Monk defrauded Chinese EB-5 Investors $Millions, pleads guilty to fraud
  8. Donald Trump has 'great meeting' with Alibaba boss Jack Ma
  9. China's Xi to promote 'inclusive' globalization at Davos
  10. Jared Kushner: the powerful son-in-law of Donald Trump and his ties with Chinese businesses
  11. China's Iran oil imports to hit record on new production: sources
  12. Trump's secretary of state pick says China should be barred from South China Sea islands. (Lol) On Taiwan, "I don’t know of any plans to alter the 'one China' position," Tillerson said
  13. Serbia signs railway upgrades deal with China's CCECC
  14. DEA opens shop in China to help fight synthetic drug trade: In a sign of improving cooperation between the U.S. and China to fight the global drug trade, the Drug Enforcement Administration will open a new office there and its top chief will visit next week for the first time in more than a decade
  15. South Korea considering complaint to China over THAAD retaliation
  16. Malaysia and China reach agreement on tackling crime, terrorism
  17. China issues white paper, warns small- and medium-sized countries not to take sides
  18. Nigeria ordered Taiwan to move its trade mission from the capital, Abuja, to the commercial hub, Lagos, following a visit by the Chinese foreign minister during which his government pledged to invest $40 billion into infrastructure in Africa’s most populous country
  19. China and Kyrgyzstan vowed to deepen security cooperation and jointly fight terrorist forces such as the East Turkistan Islamic Movement. This year marks the 25th anniversary of the establishment of diplomatic relations
  20. Philippines says any U.S. move against Beijing in S China Sea would be in its own interest
  21. China warns United States of 'military clash' over Tillerson comments
  22. U.S. is the most powerful country on the planet, yes, and biggest economy in the world. But China will be eventually just by virtue of its size. And so you can’t walk into a room and say, “Do it our way". - Chinese Nationalist aka. Secretary of State Kerry in remarks at the US Naval Academy
  23. More than 200 Taiwanese deportees still in China: A total of 223 Taiwanese who were deported over the past nine months from other nations on suspicion of telecommunications fraud are still being held in China, where they were deported
  24. Russia & China announce new ‘unspecified’ measures to US’ anti-missile system in S. Korea
  25. All aboard to fix the globalization 'bullet train', China's Xinhua says
  26. Before Trump gets his inauguration, China's president is to swipe some of the spotlight - I think China's trying to send a signal that it's the world's most responsible stakeholder.
  27. China's president will preach the advent of a new world order in Davos next week before the high priests of globalisation, who are facing an uprising from voters against their orthodoxy of open markets and borders.
  28. Turkey arrests two Chinese Uighurs over Istanbul nightclub attack
  29. China warns Trump that Taiwan policy is 'non-negotiable'
  30. Europe Turning to China as Uncertainty Over Trump's Foreign Policy Looms
  31. 2 Days From China To Europe By Rail? Russia Going For High-Speed Cargo Trains
  32. China projects to hit Singapore
  33. Silk Road route back in business as China train rolls into London
  34. How China's Asian Infrastructure Investment Bank Fared Its First Year
  35. China and Vietnam to 'manage' differences over South China Sea: communique
  36. How China rules the waves: Beijing has spent billions expanding its ports network to secure sea lanes and establish itself as a maritime power
In Domestic news
  1. Air China bans shark fin cargo, reflecting dramatic shift in attitudes
  2. China Lacks Anti-Discrimination Law With Teeth
  3. Foreign instructors face more policy regulations and changes, which will keep qualified non-native English speaking teachers from obtaining jobs in some Chinese regions
  4. China to launch 'environmental police' force
  5. China fears the rise overly 'effeminate' boys and is taking action
  6. China combats corruption within anti-corruption agency
  7. Obesity: the big, fat problem with Chinese cities
  8. China's Hongshui River floating walkway is TWICE the length of Manhattan
  9. China changes start date of war with Japan, says will bolster patriotic education
  10. China's making huge economic bets on green energy
  11. China Sets June Deadline to Stamp out Shoddy Steel Manufacturers
  12. China opens 'most beautiful' high-speed railway: China opens its latest high-speed railway connecting six provincial capital cities along its route from the east coast to the far southwest of the country, namely Shanghai, Hangzhou, Nanchang, Changsha, Guiyang and Kunming
  13. 50,000-meter Floating Walkway Opens on River in southwest China's Guizhou
  14. 'Rude' China police given hospitality lessons
  15. China detains 720, imposes $21.8 million of fines in pollution crackdown
  16. China rewrites history books to extend Sino-Japanese war by six years (Perfect example of the subtle Anti China manipulative narrative of Western media)
  17. Chinese authorities have published a draft regulation protecting minors’ rights in cyberspace that includes remedies for online bullying. No organisation or individual is allowed to threaten, insult or hurt minors online with words, pictures or video
  18. China school allows students to "borrow" marks to help ease exam stress
  19. In China, A Shift Away From Trade In Ivory and Shark Fins
  20. China has built the world’s largest bullet-train network
  21. Why China is counting its chickens
  22. China Orders Registration of App Stores
  23. Beijing to tackle air pollution
In SciTech news
  1. VR, Smart Gadgets, China Innovations Break Through All The Hype At CES 2017: What stood out among Chinese startups was healthtech wearable Vivalnk, AI robotics maker Ubtech; interactive smartwatch Mobvoi; intelligent hardware operating system Thundersoft, nanotechnology biosensors eNano Health
  2. Nokia brand launches its first Android smartphone... But it will only be available in China for $246.
  3. Tsinghua Unigroup to Build the World's Largest 3D NAND Flash Factory in Wuhan
  4. China Building World’s Highest Altitude Gravitational Wave Telescopes In Xizang
  5. Tpcast wireless VR - pretty excited to see another Chinese company lead in something that's hard tech.
  6. Consumer Electronics Show presents dazzling Chinese creations: CES 2017 has attracted over 3,800 companies worldwide, with 1,300 plus from China
  7. A colorful yet little known snout moth genus from China with five new species
  8. New Geological Map of the Moon Created By Chinese Scientists
  9. Long March 3B launches second TJSW spacecraft for China: China kicked off its 2017 campaign with the successful launch of the second Tongxin Jishu Shiyan Weixing (TJSW) spacecraft from the Xichang Satellite Launch Center
  10. Bionic woman: Chinese robot turns on the charm
  11. DJI and Seagate announce strategic partnership to advance data solutions for the UAV ecosystem: As drone cameras gain resolution and drone flight times grow longer, DJI and Seagate are focusing their efforts to securely and efficiently store, download and share the hundreds of gigabytes of data
  12. This New Computer Wants to Be the Ultimate AI Assistant for the Home: Baidu is teaming up with Chinese consumer tech company Ainemo to launch the device, called Little Fish, which is being positioned as a voice-centric home robot
  13. Is China still leading the graphene race? In addition to having more companies active in the production and sale of graphene than any other country, China also holds about 2/3rds of the global production capacity, according to Fullerex
  14. DJI – INTRODUCING DJI GS PRO
  15. Chinese scientists have built a camera capable of photographing objects it can’t directly see. The trick is to first randomize the light that the pixel detects, record the resulting light intensity, and then repeat this process thousands of times
  16. Baidu joins hands with China’s BAIC Motor Corp. to further develop its intelligent vehicle technology
  17. China to set up gravitational wave telescopes in Tibet: The telescope (Ngari), located 5,250 meters above sea level, will detect and gather precise data on primordial gravitational waves in the Northern Hemisphere. It is expected to be operational by 2021
  18. Chinese humanoid robot turns on the charm in Shanghai: "Jia Jia" can hold a simple conversation and make specific facial expressions when asked, and her creator believes the eerily life-like robot heralds a future of cyborg labour in China
  19. Robotic mannequin by Hong Kong Polytechnic University’s Institute of Textiles and Clothing
  20. Biologists Discover New Type of Microbial Photosynthesis: Prof. Beyenal and his colleagues from the United States and China report today on the unique metabolic process seen for the first time in a pair of bacteria (Prosthecochloris aestuarii and Geobacter sulfurreducens)
  21. Chinese commercial space player ExPace sent three small satellites into orbit on a Kuaizhou-1A solid-fuelled rocket as the corporation looks to gain a foothold in the domestic and international launch market
  22. A major breakthrough in 3-D printed medicine could bring hope to nearly 1.8 billion patients with cardiovascular disease. Chinese scientists working for Sichuan Revotek have successfully 3-D printed blood vessels and implanted them in rhesus monkeys
  23. Chinese Tech Company Takes On Microsoft With Super Cheap Tablet
In Economic news
  1. Chinese smartphones gained 40% of Indian market last year: survey Lenovo and Xiaomi took the second and third spots respectively, while India’s domestic brands saw a drop in market share
  2. McDonald's sells China business for $2.9bn
  3. This Chinese Carmaker Hopes to Be the First to Crack the U.S.
  4. Why you shouldn’t believe the horror stories about China’s economy
  5. Alibaba job boom: Jack Ma chats with Trump about how to create 1 million US jobs over 5 years
  6. US Steel Tariffs Against China Are Working: Americans Losing Jobs, Becoming Poorer As A Result
  7. China Ready to Step Up Scrutiny of U.S. Firms If Trump Starts Feud: Sources Options include subjecting well-known U.S. companies or ones with large Chinese operations to tax or antitrust probes. Other possible measures include anti-dumping investigations
  8. Obama got tough on China. It cost U.S. jobs and raised prices: 35% tariff on Chinese tires. Study from Peterson Institute of International Economics found higher prices cost an extra $1.1b, which translated to an estimated 3,731 jobs lost. China's retaliation cost American chicken producers $1b
  9. China logs record outbound investment
  10. China’s Pink Economy Is Leading the Country's Battle for LGBT Rights
  11. Narrowing talent recruitment gap between local and foreign companies in China: Report
  12. China turns to robots as workers age
  13. China banks extend record 12.65 trillion yuan in loans in 2016 as debt worries mount
  14. Trump Concerns Have Hedge Fund Investor Looking to China
  15. The humble ballpoint pen has become a new symbol of China's innovation economy
  16. ANZ sells UDC Finance to China's HNA Group in $628m deal
  17. How debt differs in China, the US and Japan
  18. A Trade War That Cannot Be Won
  19. China Expected to Poach More Taiwan Chip Execs
  20. China's Bitcoin Exchanges Quietly Made Policy Updates Overnight
  21. Finally! China celebrates ballpoint breakthrough
  22. China’s reputation for low-cost manufacturing under attack
  23. REPORT: China will merge media outlets to increase influence 'in the area of financial information'
  24. Hong Kong’s Property Billionaires Are the World's Richest
In Military news
  1. Does China’s deep-sea tech upgrade point to submarine signals network under Pacific? China had deployed hundreds of buoys, including nearly 20 deep anchor points, in the Western ­Pacific since 2014
  2. Report: China Could Have 351 Navy Ships By 2020. Plans to add more YUZHAO LPDs (amphibs which can carry 800 troops, 4 helicopters and 20 armored vehicles), new Type 055 cruiser (equipped with missiles, lasers and rail-gun weapons), HOBEI-glass guided missile patrol boats and JIANGDAO light frigates
  3. Genuinely Domestic Design: Introducing China’s HJ-8 Anti-Tank Missile
  4. Beijing freezes military ties with Seoul
  5. Female Navy Forces Show Strength Aboard China's 1st Aircraft Carrier: Around 100 officers set sail on voyage. Song said 'I believe such a moment highlights all female officers in China's navy. It is relevant to all service women who dedicated themselves for the rejuvenation of the Chinese nation'
  6. China’s third aircraft carrier may soon be in the pipeline: China’s second aircraft carrier, CV-17 is currently at an advanced stage of construction at Dalian Shipbuilding in north-eastern China
  7. Taiwan scrambles jets, navy as China aircraft carrier enters Taiwan Strait
  8. For the first time, a Chinese submarine has docked at a port in Malaysia, signaling deepening military ties between the two countries, which are already partners in the development of the Beijing- led Maritime Silk Road
  9. Chinese bomber flies round contested Spratlys in show of force - U.S. official
  10. China aircraft carrier Liaoning tested
Other Notables
  1. Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882 curriculum resources: Who came to the United States at the end of the nineteenth and beginning of the twentieth century? Why did they come? What was their experience like when they arrived?
  2. Glass ball turned into egg, Chinese artist displays incredible magic: Chinese artist displays incredible magic in N China's Wuqiao, the birthplace of Chinese acrobatics
  3. Can Internet Slang Develop Traditional Chinese? Many new words and terms appear each year, but linguists are concerned about the impact of Internet slang
  4. The rise, fall, and comeback of the Chinese economy over the last 800 years
  5. Another Chinese Actress in Relationship with Younger Man: Chinese actress Li Bingbing is in a relationship with a man 10 years younger than her. The 43-year-old celebrity admit she is in a relationship with Xu Wennan, an executive at an investment company
  6. If the U.S. withdraws, China wonders whether it is ready to lead the world
  7. Pictures: Group Wedding Ceremony Held in NE China's Heilongjiang
  8. The train route from China to London (used from January 2017) [634 x 440]
  9. Trump May Actually Be The Greatest Gift China Could Ask For In Africa
  10. Shanghai Tower: how China's tallest skyscraper was built
  11. Sweet commercial for the Oppo R9s
  12. A fair review of President Obama’s legacy
  13. The King's Avatar, Tencent 2017 eSports anime series PV
  14. ancient Chinese art featuring American/Japanese pop icons
  15. China's Snow Eagle 601 Aircraft Makes First Landing at Kunlun Station in Antarctica
  16. Lessons in respect at China's Confucius kindergartens
  17. Mythological creatures come alive in Big Fish art
  18. Real patriots see the continuous progress China is making
  19. Chinese-Indian joint archaeological team discovers Chinese cultural relics in India: The Chinese pottery that's been found has been identified as coming from several different provinces and ranging from the 8th century to the 14th century
  20. How ethnicity and religion can influence financial habits: people of Chinese heritage tended to save more than Caucasian counterparts, even low income earners prioritising savings, leading to the conclusion that inherent cultural factors such as Confucianism emphasise frugality and familial concerns
  21. What If China's Money Stream Stops Flowing to Hollywood?
  22. What China’s sexiest grandpa tells us about the country's global plans
  23. China's new topsy-turvy bridge actually has three bridges woven into one
  24. Zhou Youguang, often credited as the "father of (Hanyu) Pinyin", passed away at 111.
  25. Donnie Yen bringing knives to a gunfight
  26. 前进中国 Progressing China 2016
  27. International ice sculptors gather in China for annual festival
  28. Bizarre tale of the Queen, 'Jack' the bonsai tree and a first-class jaunt from China
  29. When all of China goes on vacation at once
  30. Giant panda cubs kick start Chinese New Year 2017 celebrations
  31. Chinese newlyweds make the most of Tasmania's blooming lavender
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